Episode Report Card Demian: B | 4 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT The Hardy Boys Wet The Bed
By Demian | Season 3 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.31.2007
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Our Intrepid Heroes head to Maple Springs, New York, this week after two of the three Baycon brothers of Baycon Construction get their rather tubby selves slaughtered in the midst of their latest unfinished housing development by an entity Our Dear Boys initially identify as a motherfucking werewolf. Of course, their initial suspicion is incorrect, as they slowly realize when other classic fairy tales -- including Hansel And Gretel, Cinderella, and Little Red Riding Hood -- start playing themselves out in the town around them, each accompanied by an apparition of a little girl with skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony. Turns out the apparition is actually the disembodied spirit of one Callie Garrison, a long-comatose local woman who was secretly poisoned with bleach by her wicked stepmother way back when Callie was eight years old. Her father -- the princely local doctor, naturally -- has been maintaining her on life support ever since, reading to her daily from a volume of original Grimm's fairy tales, and apparently, Spirit Callie finally snapped and decided to start reenacting the stories in real life. Super-Sensitive Sammy, of course, realizes that Spirit Callie's just screaming out for some long-overdue justice, or whatever, and once her father accepts the fact that his now-deceased second wife for all intents and purposes murdered his only child, Spirit Callie lets go and vanishes into the light. I think.
In other news, Action Sammy summons the sassy Crossroads Demonette and threatens to zap her with The Fucking Colt if she refuses to break the deal she brokered with Dean. And when the Demonette reveals there's not much she can do about it -- she's simply a salesgirl, don't you know, and it's her boss who's so hot for Dear El Deano's soul -- Darling Sammy shoots her in the face anyway! The episode ends with all of us wondering how the hell he's going to explain that sloppy mess to his brother. Oh, Sam. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Rattle, Rattle THEN! And because the Rattle, Rattle THEN! has become a LYING LIAR WHO LIES with regard to how many magical bullets were available for Our Intrepid Heroes' use towards the end of the first season, you shall all ignore it and follow this instead: Samuel Fucking Colt fashioned that fucking gun of his way back in 1835, only to have it rendered entirely useless once Our Intrepid Heroes got their hot little hands on it and blasted the last five magical bullets into various monsters and demons, including their worthless bastard of a so-called father. Unfortunately, Bad-Ass Bobby -- with an assist from Ruby The Sparkly Haired Demon -- was able to get it working again last week, so we'll have to keep dealing with the stupid thing for the rest of the season. And just in case you suffered a stroke in the last couple of days and thus forgot all about this, the THEN! would also like to remind you of Dashing El Deano's Crossroads Demonette issue. Oh, and Sam's probably soap. All caught up? Wonderful. Now shut the fuck up for the...
...Silence, Silence NOW! A full moon floats through the NOW! just seconds before the latter fades away completely so the camera might continue its pan to land upon the great, big, curlicued "Once Upon A Time" lead on a billboard advertising a new housing development. A musical flourish that sounds a little too much like the wistfully fanciful crap they used to bust out on Charmed all the time zings across the soundtrack as the camera continues down the giant ad to reveal the concluding bit of primary copy, which reads, "All Homes Were Built This Well." Tucked away into the lower left corner of the sign is the barely visible logo for the construction company responsible, "Baycon Brothers," and you can see where they're going with this, right? Right? Good. So, let's brush past the just-appearing location card of "Maple Springs, New York" to greet The Three Little Pigs themselves as they enter the far background of the shot to bicker about -- yep -- building supplies until the more conscientious of the three -- who's got quite a bit of hair on his chinny-chin-chin, by the way -- detects forest noises emanating from somewhere deep within the as-yet-unfinished development. He attempts to bring this to the attention of his addle-brained brothers, but they basically ignore him in favor of sniping at each other over the obviously inferior lumber one procured for the building site's next phase until the forest noises suddenly reappear, much closer to the three of them this time. The other two blow it all off once again and retire to a jury-rigged worktable to review some blueprints while Practical Pig warily wanders off to investigate, slowly inching his way towards an idle excavator before steeling his nerve and bouncing around the side of the thing to find...absolutely nothing untoward at all! Practical Pig quite literally snorts at his own stupidity, and is about to rejoin the others when Fifer Pig unexpectedly gets dragged behind some flimsy PVC piping by an unseen and angrily snarling beast. Or is it?