Episode Report Card Demian: C- | 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT Womb Raider
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 21 | Aired on May 8, 2002
Wacky prenatal hijinks? Wacky prenatal hijinks? I got nothing, people. Nothing but weary contempt and a mild, nagging sense of irritation. The well of snark -- she is dry, my friends. This is going to hurt.
And yet, here we go nevertheless. The evening starts by slamming my head into a focus-pull down a white corridor to Phoebe, riding a gurney and accompanied by two EMTs. "This can't be happening!" she pants, and she's right, because it's a dream sequence. How do I know this? It's supposed to be an emergency room, yet everyone is wearing snowy-white clothing, and it looks like the set crew partitioned off a section of an underground parking garage with a couple of whitewashed flats for this scene. The EMT who gets to talk tells a nearby doctor that Phoebe's "five centimeters dilated" with "a possible prolapsed cord." "Possible"? Gee, I seem to remember Carol Hathaway's twins teaching me that a "prolapsed cord" occurs when the umbilicus pops out before the baby, leading to all sorts of fun brain damage and whatnot for the infant, as its only source of oxygen is cut off for several vital minutes during the delivery. So, you know, Mr. Chatty EMT there should have his hand jammed up Phoebe's privates to shove the cord back in, just like poor Abby had to do on what I'm sure was her worst Thanksgiving ever. No wonder she's a boozehound. The doctor orders "a crash C-section," despite Phoebe's protests that she's only two months pregnant. Phoebe bellows for her sisters as the shot cuts to the interior of an operating theater. Like I said, the whole thing looks like a hastily-converted parking garage, so I'm betting this "operating theater" normally houses Brad Kern's Humvee. Phoebe asks again for Piper and Raige as a soothing nurse tells her there's not enough time. The hospital gowns are blinding. The doctor slices Phoebe open as the soothing nurse coos, "There's nothing to be afraid of." "I'm afraid of what's inside of me," Phoebe gasps. She prays for the Spawn of Sole to be "normal" as the doctor extracts the infant from her gaping uterus. Well, I'm assuming it's gaping. The effects budget apparently couldn't bear the cost of a prosthetic abdomen for Alyssa Milano. Or fake blood, for that matter. Phoebe spies the shadowy outline of the Spawn through the abnormally clean white sheet they've stretched across her body. An aide snips the umbilical cord as the doctor asks Phoebe if she'd like to see her son. He hoists a four-month-old child up with both of his hands. No slimy gore. No mucus plugging his nostrils. Nothing. The kid in fact seems to be staring off-camera at a stuffed animal the AD is wiggling around in the air. Phoebe gasps that the child is beautiful. The doctor passes the wee one over to the aide, who has removed her mask and cap. DUN! It's D'Eartha, sans make-up and dangly earrings. Phoebe howls, "It's the Seer! Don't let her take my baby! Don't let her take my baby!" D'Eartha smiles coyly and turns away with the swaddled brat. Phoebe shrieks, drops her head backwards in agony, and..