In retaliation for the Charmed writers' alleged break-in of my car to look at my blurb notebook last month (see the "Apocalypse Not" recap), I flew to Los Angeles while on vacation and did some digging in the Writers Department at Spelling Productions. Because I'm petty like that.
Well, I lucked out and found synopses of the first seven episodes of Season Three, which I'm providing here along with my presumptuous pre-recaplets. Because I'm industrious like that.
Episode 301: Goddess Almighty
Preview release to TV Guide:
Season Premiere. Leo the angel transports his girlfriend Piper heavenward to meet his otherworldly boss, but she becomes jealous when God greets them in the form of a beautiful young woman (guest star Tori Spelling). In their sister's absence, Prue and Phoebe must fend for themselves when they fear that the new tenant next door (Ron Eldard) is a demon.
Recaplet: The Powers That Bleat
The third season began with an ep that's sure to confirm one's faith in atheism, if not convert the masses. Yes, TORI SPELLING played God. Owen was rushed to the emergency room afterwards to have his pearls surgically removed from his hand. Anyway, the viewers followed Piper and Leo up to heaven, which looked just like the L.A. soundstage, only hazier, where Piper got her bitch on because Leo's been working for such a heavenly babe. God/Tori finally admitted she is just a wee bit fallible, and she and Piper bonded. Whatever. Meanwhile, Prue and Phoebe modeled this fall's most god-awful outfits while ripping off Rear Window in a subplot about the suspicious yuppie who'd moved into Gordon Manor. After much Nancy Drew hijinx, the callous and lazy Ps vanquished him all by their lonesomes, the implied threat of another Dan character was averted, and the sisters eventually reunited for more witchy adventures.
Episode 302: One Small Thing
Preview release to TV Guide:
On the eve of Prue's celebration for shooting her first cover for 415 magazine, she is cursed by a warlock (Jason Bateman) and shrunk to a height of five inches. Meanwhile, Piper worries about Leo possibly popping the question, and Phoebe regrets casting a spell that thwarts the advances of an overly amorous classmate (Brad Rowe). Special musical guest: Seal.
Recaplet: Prue Art Little
Well, I guess someone wrote Spelling Productions asking for another show featuring cheap, mini-ninja special effects, because here it is. Prue started the ep bigger than her britches as usual because she finally provided a cover photo for No. magazine, and the staff was going to throw a big fete to celebrate. As. If. But a Lesson-of-the-Day warlock (played by Jason Bateman, who should stop sharing agents with his sister) cursed her into becoming her own Mini-Me, and wackiness ensued. While Prue -- and by extension, Shannen -- was discovering the meaning of the word hubris, Piper started screwing up her good thing with Leo again by pulling the idea that he was preparing a marriage proposal straight out of her ass, and Phoebe cast a Nerd Stalker-B-Gone spell on Walt from Newsradio, then tried to recant it once she figured out he's a hottie in the rough. Talkin' about rough, the less said about Seal's performace at P3AD, the better.
Episode 303: Freaky Feline
Preview release to TV Guide:
Phoebe's spell to increase the power of the Halliwell sisters' "familiar," Kit the Cat, backfires and causes her to switch bodies with the family pet. Prue and Piper try to remedy their sister's new animal nature while chasing down a shape-shifting killer (Malcolm Getz) who's targeting young single women in their neighborhood.
Recaplet: Cat on a Not! Tin Roof
After the Halliwells suddenly remembered that they own a cat, Phoebe researched a "harnessing the power of your familiar" spell in the BoS, but pulled an Aunt-Clara-on-Bewitched and ended up switching brains and bodies with her pet. Instead of enjoying her new-found intelligence, Phoebe the Cat tried to channel Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns, but came off more like Henrietta Pussycat from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. Unfortunately, the hard Ps decided not to have their sister spayed. Further unintentional laughter was provided by Richard (from the thankfully cancelled shite-com Caroline in the City) trying to play a) straight and b) a serial strangler who's menacing the houses around Halliwell Manor. But Phoebe in Mrs. Bigglesworth's body scratched his eyes out in a catfight, and the Ps and their neighbors were saved from harm, despite Owen cracking several ribs from violent guffawing.
Episode 304: Stuck in the Sixties
Preview release to TV Guide:
A tip-off from a lower-level demon henchman (Brian Austin Green) influences the Halliwell sisters to travel back to San Francisco in the late sixties to prevent their mother Patty (guest star Finola Hughes) from getting killed by a hellish assassin (Marc Singer) before she can conceive the Charmed Ones.
Recaplet: Witchstock
The Ps got tipped off by a scruffy lowlife undead minion (newly unemployed Brian Austin Green) in lock-up at Daryl's precinct that an assassin has been sent to kill their mother in the San Francisco of the 1960s, in an attempt to prevent the births of the Halliwell sisters. So the witches went back to the tried-and-true time travel trough to save their mom while trying not to rip off the Terminator films too obviously. Sure, it sounds exciting, but the only action generated by this ep will take place in the offices of Aaron Spelling's and James Cameron's attorneys. The sisters bonded with their mom for a bit, tasted hippie culture, and raided the Haight for paisley halter tops before discovering that the tip was a trap to get them out of town while Bri, the real baddie, wreaked havoc in the twenty-first century. Don't worry, a well-placed kick-box from one of Pheebs's bell-bottomed legs saved the day. Peace, man!
Episode 305: Big Man on Campus
Preview release to TV Guide:
Phoebe falls under the spell of a charismatic warlock professor (Rob Morrow) who is using his self-esteem-building theories to assemble a powerful campus cult. Piper intervenes when her new nightclub manager (Jennie Garth) has designs on Leo, and Prue is paired with an an ambitious rookie photographer (Mario Lopez) on a career-making assignment. The Barenaked Ladies perform at P3.
Recaplet: Um, doesn't brainwashing require a brain?
Jennie Garth guested on the show, but oddly didn't have much interaction with the character of Prue and didn't get a chance to point out that Phoebe's subplot (involving a university cult run by Dr. Fleischman of Northern Exposure, i.e. Rob Morrow, the male Shelley Long) was a big rip-off of a story arc that Kelly Taylor endured a few years ago on 90210. Instead, she tried to steal Leo away from Piper, although any thirteen-year-old girl could tell you that P+L are truly in luv, 4ever and ever!!!! Meanwhile, Prue got her bitch on with an ambitious protégé in a subplot that can only be called "Nellie Olsen meets Jimmy Olson." Did Phoebe get rescued from the cult? I don't want to give away the ending, but she won't be passing out pamphlets at the airport in any upcoming episodes, I assure you.
Episode 306: Minus One
Preview release to TV Guide:
The netherworldly Council becomes aware of Piper's growing displeasure with witchcraft and kidnaps her, sending an evil look-alike home to the manor, where she renounces her power and convinces Prue and Phoebe to do the same. At the same time, Leo is distracted by chaos caused by a Dark Lighter (Andrew Shue).
Recaplet: Trouble your pleasure, trouble your fun
Shannen Doherty directs again, and the episode was actually a pleasurable one. But how could anyone go wrong with a Holly Marie-centric ep in which she played two roles? The Council from last season (someone finally nudged the writers with the continuity prod) heard through the demon grapevine about Piper's unrealized desire to quit witchcraft as a career. So they snatched her from the manor and sent a glamoured witch in as Evil Piper, who cajoled the callous Ps into quitting the Charmed life along with her. While Leo was kept busy by the lame-ass antics of a Council-hired Dark Lighter (Andrew Shue, who should accept "Do Something" as an acting mantra), Piper had to single-handedly break free from her captors and make everything right. Did Piper come to a greater acceptance of her duty as a witch? Did HMC act crop circles around everyone onscreen? Did Shannen need to put the camera down and let our stomachs settle for a bit? Yes, yes, and yes.
Episode 307: Leaving on an Astral Plane
Preview release to TV Guide:
When Prue falls into a trap set by an evil trickster witch (Laura Leighton) while astrally projecting, she finds herself lost and unable to return to her unconscious body. Reformed criminal Bane Jessup (guest star Antonio Sabato, Jr.) is released from prison, but his plans to resume his romance with Prue are postponed as he assists Phoebe and Piper in the revival of their sister.
Recaplet: Proopy, Come Home
The Brothers Grimm met the Sisters Halliwell in this homage to "Sleeping Beauty." Prue found out that she really can't be in two places at once when Sydney from Melrose Place, playing a witch with a huge grudge against the Ps, set a trap that separated Astral Prue from her corporeal body. While Astral Prue flitted in and out of planes of reality throughout the city, the docile Ps tried to figure out what to do with her unconscious form back at the manor. (They didn't paint a moustache on her and put her hand in warm water to make her pee, as I might have been tempted to do.) Luckily, Bane (Antonio "Woof" Sabato, Jr.), newly released from jail due to a reversed ruling, showed up at the manor to help the fretful sisters save his comatose love interest. Prue woke up (natch), she and Bane macked, and Laura Leighton and Antonio went off to trade nasty stories about working with Heather Locklear.