Episode Report Card Keckler: B | 83 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Xinderella
By Keckler | Season 3 | Episode 1 | Aired on 2003.09.10
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Quantum and Qrew are back for another season of abject mediocrity. Or are they? Hot on the trail of the mysterious Xindi after puttering around the Expanse for six weeks, Quantum and Qrew finally get a breakthrough when they hear that some dodgy dealer has Xindian information for them. In the form of a severed finger. which the dodgy dealer will trade for more platinum than it will take to gild J.Lo's wedding scepter. Back on the ship, while Hoshi noshes with them, Malcolm Peed butts heads with the ship's new military complement, and a newly de-mobbed T'Pol dresses up like her favorite childhood story: The Velveteen Vulcan. Finally, noting Trip's distress over the loss of his sister, Phlox enlists T'Pol to do a little "Sexual Healing" in the guise of showing him her dinners. And I didn't think it was possible, but the additional "instruments" made the song suck. Even more. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Well, here we go -- jumping feet first into a third season that (as my bona fide inside sources tell me) was actually snatched from the jaws of cancellation at the very last moment. Lucky us. Okay, okay, I did promise that I would gaze upon this new season with sweetness and light and keep my beer cup overflowing with open-hearted generosity. Especially since I've got this new Quantum action figure (christened "Quantini" by The Evil Dr. Mathra) glaring at me from the windowsill. I'll admit that this episode wasn't bad, and it certainly set up a lot of potentially interesting things to follow through on. Let's just hope they do actually follow with the through, because I have to say that, after the last two seasons, hope isn't exactly floating around my living room. Based on tonight's episode and next week's previews, they've clearly turned Quantum into Bloodthirsty Captain McArrghcher, but being violent and angry is pretty easy stuff and it isn't going to clear up that furrow breakout any time soon.
So here I raise my fizzing glass of Barefoot Bubbly California "Champagne" aloft and toast the brave new season, and I ask you to search your hearts and ponder this: How poetic is it that my Text Edit spell check suggests "Hitler" as a replacement for "Keckler"?
Last year: Florida got attacked by a spiky bocce ball from outer space, Trip's sister died in the attack, Quantum discussed the Xindi with Shower Guy as possible perpetrators of said attack, a quavering T'Pol left the Vulcan High Command because of the annoying attack, Quantum took his Qrew (with the additional support from a new military force) into the mysterious Expanse and vowed a more aggressive foreign policy as a result of the attack, and the Keckler household moved to San Francisco. But not because of an attack. Just because they had to.
The five species of the Xindi -- an insectoid that speaks in chittering subtitles, a manatee type that swims in a tank and whale-sings through the glass (also in subtitles), a simian, a humanoid, and a snaky-reptilian with a bad case male-pattern baldness -- argue about Enterprise's intent. Bug House thinks it's the beginning of an invasion, and Mr. Man thinks Earth has no way of knowing that they launched the probe. Note here that Mr. Man refers only to a launching of a probe; he doesn't say anything about a devastating attack on the voting practices of Florida. Bug House wants Enterprise destroyed. "How many humans are aboard?" Snake Eyes asks. Bug House smacks him with a crook leg, stands up, and says it doesn't matter how many are aboard -- they must be obliterated "before they find the weapon." Monkey Boy asks when the weapon will be ready, and Mr. Man says they are still testing it. Snake Eyes doesn't want to wait, even though Monkey Boy urges patience. Aqua Man whale-sings that their future is at stake and the council must not be divided. Mr. Man orders Snake Eyes to learn everything he can about "this human vessel."