Episode Report Card Demian: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT It's Just Another Menstrual Monday
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 6 | Aired on 10.16.2004
The 197 of you who voted for Sparklies in last week's "Death Is Actually An Option" poll are banned. Just so you know.
Previously on Charmed, Kerr Smith, Kerr Smith, Sparklies, Sparklies, James Van Der Beek, James Van Der Beek, James Van Der Beek, and Whiny Dolt. Again.
Currently on Charmed, we fade up on a slow pan down the dining room table, currently laden with both various types of prepackaged junk food and Raige's elbows. Phoebe staggers in from the stairs with a hot water bottle pressed against her lower abdomen to collapse into a chair next to her lippy bastard of a half-sister, wondering what the apparently hastily called family meeting's all about. Raige waves her hands around in the air without removing her elbows from the table and guesses it has something to do with the ongoing silent yet lethal war of attrition between the Psycho and Tiny Gay Chris. "Did something happen?" Phoebe gasps. "I'm sure they got kidnapped by the latest demon, or something," Raige too casually whatevers. Phoebe, clutching that hot water bottle like it's a pregnancy pad of her very own, looks stricken and very nearly sobs, "[Raige]. That is so not funny." Neither is an episode devoted to your synchronized menstrual cycles, but you don't hear me complaining. Yet. "You get so emotional when you're PMSed," Raige teases. "And you get mean," Phoebe pouts. "I do not!" Raige protests. "I'm above it all," she adds, with much renewed flapping of her hands as Piper suddenly barrels into the room from the kitchen with a bottle of wine. Piper's entrance startles Raige, who instantly orbs in place in surprise. "Riiiight," Phoebe eyebrows. "Nothing happens to you. You're above it all." Piper gets an earful of the hijinks and the sniping and looks like she's about to drain that entire bottle in one long gulp. Hey, back off, Piper. That's my job. "So I get a little jumpy," Raige sniffs. "And I get a little pissy," Piper warns, "so watch it." A little? And, what -- does this mean Piper's been PMSing for the last three seasons? Phoebe and Raige pretty much echo my sentiment before Piper eventually gets to the point. "I've been wanting to tell you guys something for a while, but I just didn't know how to say it," she begins. Phoebe bugs out her eyes and gulps, "Ohmigod, are you pregnant again?" No, Feebs. If she were pregnant again, she wouldn't be suffering from premenstrual syndrome, would she? Stupid. We're barely a minute in to the episode proper, and I can already tell this evening is going to SUCK.
Piper pretty much ignores Phoebe's idiocy to remind them of Stupid Uncle Phil's disappearance before finally admitting that the Dolt sporked the ever-useless Elder into the great beyond. But, Piper hastens to add, it wasn't the Dolt's fault, because he was tricked. "Try telling that to [Stupid Uncle Phil]," Raige snorts through a mouthful of ice cream. Piper shoots a death glare in Raige's direction, and the lightbulbs in the chandelier overhead explode. Just like that bulb did in the shower scene at the beginning of Carrie. Coincidence? Or intentional linkage of this bloody mess to that one? You decide. Phoebe and Raige shriek and cower in terror as Piper takes a moment to collect herself before storming back into the kitchen in a royal snit. "What was that?" Phoebe blares, jiggling into the kitchen after Piper with Raige close on her heels. "You blew it up without even looking at it!" Raige adds. Piper, futzing with some baby bottles, avoids their eyes while reminding them that their "emotions are tied to [their] powers," so, apparently, she's "feeling a little weird." The snottier Ps apologize for not greeting Piper's Dolt bomb with appropriate amounts of gravity and distress as Piper reminds them both of what's at stake. Should the remaining ever-useless Elders learn what the Dolt did, the consequences would be dire. Yeah, so that's why you're yammering about it at full volume in the damn kitchen, when you all know the Elders can eavesdrop anytime they feel like it. Gah. I wasn't aware premenstrual syndrome sucked eighty or ninety IQ points from a woman's brain. Then again, these morons have been so stupid for so long, I'm not sure we can blame it on the impending triple menses, can we?