Episode Report Card Demian: A- | 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT It's A Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Part I
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 22 | Aired on May 15, 2004
Fade up on the big gay hand of Big Gay Chris as it slides a volume from one of the upper shelves of the Not!warts library. We follow the book as the camera pans with it to reveal Big Gay Chris atop a ladder, with Raige far below him scribbling something onto a sheet of paper at the table; Snidely flips open another tome behind her. "You know," Big Chris snorts, "your time travel section is due for a serious overhaul. I mean, I can find more information Googling." Snidely pauses in his task to eyebrow, "'Googling'?" Shut up, Snidely. My pretty, pretty husband apparently agrees with me, for he rolls his eyes, breathes a condescending, "Never mind," and eases himself down the ladder to join his aunt at the table. "Any luck with that spell yet?" he wonders. Raige hauls her scraggly head of hair up from her work to peeve, "You mean, in the last two minutes since you asked me?" Chris is all, "Back off, Snarly Girl. It's just that my birthday is in two days, and if I'm not outta here before I'm born…" "Something bad that you don't know about could happen?" Raige prompts with a teasing glint in her eye. Chris shoots her A Look before insisting he simply doesn't want to take any chances. Besides, he notes, as he's accomplished what he returned to the past to achieve -- saving his dead-eyed sociopath of an older brother from The Dark Side, in case you've forgotten since last week -- it's time for him to go home. Cue the entrance of Big Gay Chris's massively pregnant mother and massive ass of a father, who wander into the library from points unknown with a set of overnight bags on wheels. "Oh, no, no, no!" Chris exclaims, skittering across the room with an equally agitated Raige. "You're early!" Piper tells him to cool it. She's not in labor, she's simply having the Dolt take some of her things back to the Manor in anticipation of leaving Not!warts for good in a couple of days. "Just don't scare me," Chris pleads, clearly stressed. Perhaps part of that stress is due to the fact that he and Raige are inexplicably dressed as some bizarre version of The Wonder Twins, what with their matching yellow under grey over green outfits this evening. Raige's take on this sartorial trope is a yellow beater beneath a grey, spaghetti-strapped cotton top over a pair of olive cargoes, with Chris in a crew-neck long-sleeved yellow shirt beneath a grey jacket over brighter green chinos. No, I have no idea what it all signifies, so stop looking at me. I'm just recording the facts, here, people.
In any event, the Dolt inquires as to the readiness of the spell Raige had been scripting, and Snidely calls out that it's pretty much done. "It should work," he amends with generous amounts of caution flooding every word of that sentence as he himself crosses from the table to join the Manor Morons at the center of the room. The Dolt's all, "Whuh?" so Snidely's forced to remind him in the most snappishly unctuous of tones that "there are no guarantees with time travel." The Dolt flusters. Piper shoots Snidely A Look Of Death. Snidely bumbles an insincere apology before muttering that there's always a chance something could go wrong, so they should prepare themselves for that possibility. Gee, ya think Snidely's been fucking with the spell? Hmmm? What are the odds? The Dolt insists he's not sending his younger, prettier son "through a one-way portal" unless he's certain of where Chris will end up. Snidely craftily notes that the Dolt will never be certain of Big Chris's ultimate destination unless he himself accompanies Chris on the journey. The Dolt argues that if that's the case, they'll bail on the spell, thank you very much, and send Chris back to the future via a potion. That way, if anything's wrong, all he need do is crack open another vial of the stuff to return to the present. Piper agrees, so the guys are to remain in Not!warts to whip up a batch of the stuff while Raige heads back to the Manor for a round of expository blather with the Feebs. Erm. "While Raige heads back to the Manor to place Piper's belongings in the Patricia Campbell Hearst Commemorative Child Care Nook." Upon mention of the nook, Raige gets all shifty and deceitful, for she has not prepared Tiny Gay Chris's future boudoir. She finally cops to her laziness, however, leading Piper to snort something about how Tiny Chris will be bunking with Raige if Raige doesn't get her act in gear, pronto. Big Chris looks as skeeved at that prospect as any sensible human being would, while Raige promises to do her best and crosses to orb out with the bags. As Raige dematerializes, Piper calls out an order for "lots and lots of diapers." With the image of, say, the Feebs changing his soiled undergarments dancing through his head, Chris has had more than enough ickiness for one day and deadpans, "Okay. Gotta get outta here." He eeks himself back to the table while Piper and the Dolt exercise their eyebrows in wry amusement