Episode Report Card 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT Battle Of The Hexes
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 8 | Aired on November 12, 2005
Oh, hello, sundrenched Manor façade! The perverts responsible for this mess skipped the "Previously" segment this evening in favor of fading up directly on the house before darting inside to land on Piper, who's on the cordless in the kitchen, trying and failing to book a band for the suddenly failing -- again -- P3. The Dolt wiggles around in the background of the shot with a nine iron. When did the Dolt take up golf, you ask? When the typewriting crackmonkeys ran out of things for him to do and so began poaching Brian Krause's own off-screen hobbies for character points, of course. Piper angrily hangs up on her call and irritatedly shrieks something about P3 being "ice-cold" as far as bookers are concerned, despite the fact that it's only been "two months" since the events of last season's finale. Which occurred on or around Halloween, which means we are now at or around New Year's, which means I am once again writing this recap From The Future. Hooray! The president still sucks rocks a month and a half from now, in case you were wondering. As does this show. And The Producers wasn't all that, either, disappointingly enough, but Brokeback Mountain? Fabulous.
In any event, the Dolt kindly enough offers to speak with some "Smitty" person on Piper's behalf that afternoon out on the links. "Nah," Piper shakes her head, "I don't like that guy. He's slimy." Slimy, perhaps, the Dolt notes, "but he did get [Piper] The Donnas" about three thousand years ago. The Dolt is now waving the handle of his club around in Piper's face in rather a suggestive manner. Fortunately, I have not dreamt of the wrinkly, chimpanzee-faced lout since last week's tragic and disturbing nightmare, and so am appropriately disgusted by this action, rather than unnervingly charmed by same. Piper's of a different mind on the matter, apparently, for she eventually grins at all the teasing and smirks, "Fine. Let him win." The Dolt leans in for a quick kiss before he dolts on out of there, in the process passing a camisole-and-slacks-clad Raige, who's just now wandering in from the dining room. "I didn't know [the Dolt] golfed," she guhs on the audience's behalf. "Yeah, but not very well," Piper allows. "Don't tell him."
Piper takes a moment to examine Raige's top before wondering, "Why are you so dressed up?" and I have to assume she's being sarcastic here, because Raige is, as I've noted, sporting a flimsy undergarment and calling it a blouse, and I refuse to believe Piper's as stupid as her lippy bastard of a half-sister. Raige, retrieving a coffee cup from the cabinet near the sink, babbles something about the ever-useless Elders and a new charge -- another future Whitelightery type she's quite eager to meet, the implication in her tone indicating that she's horny and hopes to get some from the new guy. Which I guess explains the lingerie-as-outerwear look she's going for this morning. Phoebe jiggles in at this point to rant about Piper never answering call waiting, or some such nonsense, as Agent Murphy's been trying repeatedly to contact them, evidently. "He's got a case for us," she carefully enunciates as she grabs a mug of her own. Raige plants a fist on her hip and snots, "A case? What are we, Charlie's Witches? We don't work for him." And I've said it before but I'll say it again: Get some new material, Raige. Four years ago. "He seems to think that we do," Phoebe grunts, ignoring me, as is her wont, "especially after reminding me over and over that he bailed us out of our little jam," and you know what? I just realized I've been happily typing away here, covering line after line of the sort of normally tedious expository blather I'd been skipping thus far this year, and I'm almost certain it's because we've seen neither embarrassingly clad hide nor hideously bleached-out hair of The Retarded Bimbo in the one and a half minutes since this episode began, which I believe hasn't happened since the season premiere. They really do need to fire her talentless ass, don't they? And then of course they need to cancel this shit for good, but that goes without saying, I'm sure