Episode Report Card Heathen: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Chaos Theory
By Heathen | Season 9 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.25.2002
Luka is tending to Colin, who had crashed into a bus and broken his steering wheel with his chest, which didn’t react too well to this little flirtation with hard objects. Susan rushes up, wondering what they’re still doing inside; Luka explains that, for some reason, Colin can’t be in the ambulance. “I got you a chopper,” Susan says. They team up to wheel him into the elevator, but Colin slowly starts to freak out at the idea of flying. “It’s a short trip,” Susan says curtly, a rudeness which I suppose fits the scenario but doesn’t match her character’s own apparent fear of air travel. Nice use of history there, guys. “No, you don’t understand, I really don’t like to fly!” shouts Colin. Luka doesn’t care. “It’s not a plane, it’s an air-rescue helicopter,” Susan offers, but this provides no balm to his soul – Colin’s up in arms because “a copter can’t glide! Take me back! I have a bad feeling!”
The hospital lights go off. Because in an emergency, it’s best to keep things as ominously dark as possible to facilitate tripping.
Upstairs, Dr. Robert “Rocket” Romano is wheeling a patient of his own toward the elevator. It’s a nebbishy old man named Monty. Shirley shouts out that Saint Rafe’s will only take one critical patient, even though Romano’s trying to send four. “I’ve never been in a Catholic hospital,” sighs Monty. “Well, you’ll like the nuns. Nice calves,” Romano says. And that’s why I love him. Romano then gets on the phone with a poor shlub at Saint Rafe’s and, always one to strong-arm his way toward getting the upper hand, yells, “Tell [your chief of staff] that Robert Romano is sending out four criticals, all of whom I expect to be treated like his own mother, without the inappropriate touching!” Um. More lights go off. Shirley shouts for him to hurry up, so Romano slams down the phone with his very authoritative left hand -- such a good hand, a useful hand -- and runs into the elevator.
Outside, a chopper lands on the helipad. Susan is worried about Colin, and while she frets, the elevator door opens and Romano wheels Monty onto the roof. “That’s my chopper!” he says angrily, as The Music Of He Has No Idea How Right He Is swells in the background. Susan gapes that the chopper was supposed to have room for two, but clearly it doesn’t, so somebody’s getting handed off to an ambulance. “I don’t want to go on a chopper anyway!” screams Colin. Be quiet, Colin, you’re getting in the way of the story. Luka and Susan make arguments that their patient is more in need of rapid evacuation; Romano counters this with, “My boy Marty is a 70-year old diabetic with gram negative sepsis blah blah blah medicine,” to which Marty replies indignantly, “I’m 68!” Romano reaches his left hand sky-high, proudly, mightily, and waves away a news chopper. My roommate screams, “Watch where you put that thing!”
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