Episode Report Card LuluBates: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Oh Baby
By LuluBates | Season 2 | Episode 4 | Aired on 05.24.2010
ural, Teresa is pretty miserable. Also, she feels like she has to poop. But, wait! That's not poop! That's a baby! Joe hopes he doesn't upchuck his hamburger because then he would have to eat again. The baby is born with a push and a half and no upchuck. It's a girl! And not a poop! They name her Audriana and Teresa asks if she can dress her in leopard print yet? The nurse recommends they clean her up first. Wouldn't want to muck up the baby Baby Phat with afterbirth.Jacqueline sadly tells Chris the news that Ashley won't go see the life coach and Chris, god bless him, busts up laughing. Ashley doesn't need a life coach! She needs a beating! Dina chimes in that a few good whacks with a wooden spoon might fix a lot of problems. Jacqueline is cracking up over the thought of Chris giving Ashley a beat down, because yeah, child abuse is soooo funny. And seriously Dina? You want to promote hitting kids with wooden spoons on national television? Mama Manzo sounds like a real nice lady. Jacqueline doesn't think Ashley needs discipline, but some help with choices. Chris thinks her priorities are wonky. Then he non sequiturs that Jacqueline will give him a beat down when she finds out what's in that safe. So obviously Jacqueline then wants to see what's in the safe, because it's always just sitting there and it has never occurred to her to ask what was in it before. What, is Chris Bluebeard or something? Chris opens the safe and shows Jacqueline his gun collection. It is a gun collection that would make Charleton Heston proud, you know, if he wasn't dead. There are semi automatic rifles, uzis, handguns of all makes and models, and a few shot guns for good measure. Jacqueline giggles and starts posing like she's up for the centerfold in Guns & Ammo.
Meanwhile, Danielle is meeting a friend for lunch at a diner. Her friend invites her to a fundraiser for a friend's baby niece who is fighting cancer. Danielle will do anything to help a baby fighting cancer, because what is she dead inside? No, no, just behind the eyes, but not inside. She agrees to go. Even though it is at THE BROWNSTONE. OH dramaz to ensue!
Elsewhere, Dina has called a meeting with Jacqueline and Caroline. She confesses that her energy mentor and spiritual advisor (if you ask what the hell that is, you aren't rich enough to know) Jen Zen wants her to talk out her issues with Danielle. Obviously Caroline thinks this is a bowl of hooey, but there are no cold cuts handy for a HAM FIGHT so she has to use her words. She's not into this meeting at all and thinks talking to Danielle is inviting the crazy. Caroline wishes her well, but doesn't think Dina will find any peace through this meeting.
Teresa has finally cleaned the baby enough to dress her up in leopard print and pink satin. Jacqueline comes to visit with baby Nicholas who is all dressed up in his Ed Hardy finery, but is sound asleep and can't charm his betrothed Baby Audriana. Alas. Can you imagine the dowry Audriana will provide? At least twelve goats and a Mercedes with leopard-print upholstery.
Over at the car wash, Chris is applying all the lessons he learned from Scores during his first day at the car wash. Caroline claims she has faith in her Christopher that he won't do anything to bring shame upon the car wash. Just think about that sentence for a minute. The second Chris is alone he fills the place with his lady friends who don car wash t-shirts and bikinis and head out to the street corner to rustle up some business. The girl who works at the car wash has this look like: Wow, this just went from a shit job to a hostile work environment lawsuit jackpot in five minutes flat! Obviously Chris's parents come to check out what Chris has done with his ten minutes of responsibility. Caroline is impressed with the lack of clothing. Then Rick, the owner, pulls up and he is in shock. He has never seen so much activititties in his car wash. He seems pleased. Caroline explains that no man would miss the brilliance that is a stripper car wash. NO MAN!
Danielle takes us to meet Danny, her dear friend who has no shirt sleeves and ChaChi hair. The friendship makes more sense when Danielle explains that their friendship is based on mutual arrests. He's done time and understands the life of a New Jersey housewife. Oh like prison is worse than life in Franklin Lakes. He is going to be her escort to the fundraiser at The Brownstone because he is afraid of no one and everyone is afraid of him. He probably has dirt on everyone there. Right? He's totally the muscle.
Dina comes to meet Teresa's little angel and is so impressed that little Audriana doesn't have newborn squishy face. Dina is not surprised, though, because Teresa doesn't at all look like she pushed a watermelon out of her "chuckarella", which is not a term I have heard before. Then Teresa asks her to be Audriana's godmother. Dina is so touched that she starts crying and snotting all over the baby and Teresa silently hands her a tissue. Dina seems truly touched and is so excited to be part of Teresa's family forever.
Over at Caroline's, it falls to her husband to break the news that Danielle is coming to a fundraiser at The Brownstone. Even though it is a charity event for A BABY WITH CANCER, Caroline is not having it. This is all about her and her distaste for Danielle. Oh Caroline, this is not making you look like the bigger person, even though you are...in a lot of ways.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is bathing in Purell in preparation for next week's episode. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.