Episode Report Card Aaron: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Dead Again
By Aaron | Season 2 | Episode 1 | Aired on 03.02.2002
Cut to Nate, lying in an MRI tube. A voice-over says, "Now let's take a look at your test results," at which point The Ironic Segue Fairy cuts us over to David, who's sitting in a clinic of his own. "You tested negative for the HIV antibody," reports the nurse, before going on to inform a massively relieved David that he is, however, positive for gonorrhea. "Have you had pain or difficulty urinating? Any penile or anal discharge?" asks the nurse. "No!" responds David, who's almost as disgusted as I am. The nurse writes him a prescription anyway (for Cipro, no less), and then calls him a "bad boy" for engaging in unprotected sex. That last part was much funnier than I'm ever going to be able to make it sound in print. Just trust me.
Formaldehyde Fortress. Claire comes home to find Mommie Drearest reading a book entitled Now That You Know. "Now that you know what?" asks Lauren. "That David is gay," replies Mom. Claire admits that she already knew that, and then Ruth decides to run down a few of the checklists in the book with her daughter. She quizzes Claire about her all her different feelings on the subject (because "the foundation of intimacy is truth"), before finally getting down to the real question: "Have you ever had any feelings of same-sex attraction?" Well, at least it's good to know that Ruth is still just as blurty as ever. Meanwhile, despite the occasional dreams I've had involving her, Alicia Witt, and Thora Birch, Lauren claims to have never been attracted to any girls. "It's nothing to be ashamed of," replies Mom, before gathering her courage to continue with, "When I was your age, I actually had a little crush on Jane Fonda." Heh. You know, it's weird, but the less I like Ruth, the more I seem to like Frances Conroy. She does all the little things really well. Claire takes this news in her typical detached fashion, replying, "Well, she's single again, so now's your chance." Heh again. But then I wonder who Ted Turner must have pissed off at AOL Time Warner to make them want to twist that particular knife like that. Oh, wait. Gerald Levin. Never mind.
At a restaurant somewhere, David is meeting with Fireman Kevin, who is, in fact, wearing a red baseball cap. Fireman Kevin presents as the absolute perfect gay date for David, because he's not into promiscuity (even though he's "a very sexual being"), his parents are totally supportive of his lifestyle, and he can even bring David to Gay Police And Firemen meetings where he might run into Keith. Faced with such a bounty (or should that be "booty"?) of riches, David is so nervous that he can't even utter a single sentence. Finally Fireman Kevin ends the awkward silence by announcing that he's late for work, and informing David that he doesn't think they'll be seeing each other again. "You can't make it happen if it's not there, right?" he asks, and a nearly tearful David is forced to agree.