Episode Report Card Sara M: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Stuporbowl
By Sara M | Season 21 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.15.2010
Meanwhile, Jane stomps up, muttering "we got fire now, hon. We'll have fire." She seems insane, too. Of course, she walks past the great Jimmy Johnson, kindly giving him even more camera time. Jane grabs a pair of glasses from that random short red haired lady and sets about using them to focus the sun's deadly rays on dried coconut husk. She interviews that if people are assuming that she's some boring old housewife, "they're in for a big surprise. Cause that is definitely not me." Jane is probably crazy, but I like her. Even though her Southern accent is almost impossible to understand and she said in her bio that she's most like Rupert (except smarter, which, duh. Everyone is smarter than Rupert. Except maybe Wendy). She then reveals her softer side, choking up as she talks about how her husband died recently. Oh, and then she starts a motherfucking fire because she's awesome. This pleases Marty, especially since La Flor gave up the stupid Medallion in order to get flint.
Speaking of La Flor, they arrive on their beach and exchange high-fives to greet each other, since that's what the young people like to do. Sash, who claims to be a real estate broker and thus probably has the free time and a need for money necessary to be on this show, interviews that things are great so far. Also, nice name, "Sash." Shouldn't you be the main character in a direct-to-video martial arts movie? Jud, who is described as only a "student" (whereas other contestants were called "art student" or "medical student), says his tribemates are his "people" and this is going to be "a lot of fun." Dumbass. With that, he immediately steps on something and has to pull it out of his bare foot. Shannon interviews that Jud is "a dumb blond," and that he's never called a guy a dumb blond before. Apparently, though, he's called plenty of women dumb blondes, because that joke isn't older than the old people tribe or anything. And then, Jud decides to pick up a crab and is shocked when it pinches the hell out of his finger, so much so that it leaves its claw embedded in there. Shannon continues that Jud "looks like Fabio" and "is retarded." Wow. Blond jokes, Fabio, and retard -- Shannon is an early '90s kind of guy. He's down with OPP. Jud interviews that he's aware that his tribemates are now calling him Fabio, but he doesn't care what they call him as long as he wins the million dollars. I'm looking forward to seeing what jungle hazards Jud can harm himself with next.
Shannon pulls Chase aside for a special meeting of the Alpha Males. He says that they're the strongest people in their tribe physically and ... uh ... I'm having trouble concentrating on what they're saying because of the blurs in the crotch area of their boxer briefs. Like, it's more conspicuous than whatever it's supposed to be concealing. Settle down, Survivor blur guy. Just because you screwed up that one time in Gabon and we all saw Marcus's penis doesn't mean you have to go overboard like this. Shannon says that their strength will make them targets, so they should make a plan to stick together until the Final Two, noting that if Li'l Russell and Rob had done this last season, they could have won the show. Way to drink the Probst Kool-Aid, Shannon. Also, uh ... Li'l Russell did "win" the show, in that he got to the Final Three. Teaming up with Rob wouldn't have gotten him any further in the game. And finally STOP TALKING ABOUT LI'L RUSSELL. HE IS GONE.