Episode Report Card Potes: A- | 11 USERS: B+ YOU GRADE IT A Chuckalina Full of Sparkles
By Potes | Season 5 | Episode 13 | Aired on 08.25.2013
The Gorga/Giudice/Wakiles (Gordiciles?) arrive at the Miraval Resort and Spa and are greeted by a woman named Carol Stratford who obviously does not know what the eff she is in for. We get a long, lingering shot of Juicy's baggy velour sweatpants, because, yeah. Rich asks Carol if this is a quiet place, and she says it's about finding balance in your life. He tries to heckle her, but she remains Zen, at least for the moment. As the crew bumbles through the resort Kathy shushes them, for they are entering a "quiet area." In an interview, Richie makes a emphatic combo hand gesture to show us what he thinks of quiet areas and shushing. And then someone farts. With Jersey pride. Meanwhile, the Manzo/Lauritas (Manritas?) have finally made to Arizona! Hooray! Chris's luggage is lost, but he doesn't seem to care. Maybe he can borrow Juicy's sweatpants and wear them as capris.
The Gordiciles are introduced to their villa, which is simple yet enormous. There's a little outdoor hot tub, and Teresa says to Joe and Melissa that they can have sex out there. These people exhale grossness like carbon dioxide. Joe is looking forward to all of the Zen activities the Miraval has lined up, while Melissa lies on the bed and groans and Juicy sits on what he thinks is a very comfortable rock. It's roughly the same composition as his brain, so maybe he feels a certain connection. As will come as no surprise, someone busts open a bottle of wine while Melissa requests a throat lozenge. Teresa worries that animals will come in their room at night, while Melissa requests water. Then there's a bug on Teresa's pants, and Juicy talks about how killer tarantulas will kill them all in the middle of the night GOD WILLING IF THERE'S ANY GOOD STILL IN THE WORLD. Meanwhile, Richie complains and complains about the Miraval and Kathy has about had it with him. He wishes this was a day trip, and Kathy calls him Mr. Fucking Debbie Downer.
While the Manritas are on the shuttle to the Miraval, Caroline quite astutely looks out the window and says that this is not their scene, and they don't belong. Cut to Teresa doing pushups in her bikini and a voice that I believe comes from Joe Gorga telling her that after all these years she still looks hot. So, I have just finished re-reading Flowers in the Attic for my highly literary book club, and I will say I can envision a scenario where teenage Joe and Teresa got locked together in a room for three years while…their family was…making sauce…and things…happened. They are the Italian Chris and Cathy, and he knows exactly how many sparkles are in her chuckalina. I'm not saying it DID happen, I'm only saying it wouldn't surprise me. Melissa suns herself in a bikini and sneezes, while Rich barges in and starts complaining about his room. Joe wants him to appreciate the free vacation and stop acting like a bitch. He thinks Rich is on his period, which is SO funny. Then Rich says that he can see Melissa's cameltoe. When even Joe Gorga is asking what's the matter with you, let's just say you have problems.