Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT For Heterosexual Morons
By Demian | Season 3 | Episode 7 | Aired on 11.26.2000
Not. Compared to all that precedes the interview, and compared to the interviewer himself, Shannen Doherty herself comes across as -- dare I say it? -- classy. Well, almost classy. In a white-trash, party-chick-and-I-know-it-and-I-don't-care sort of way. Not that that's saying much, I realize, but Tony Romando has the interview skills and social graces of a leering, drooling, pandering thirteen-year-old boy whose underwear, most likely, is both stiff and crusty. Romando opens by asking her if she resents her continuing public image as a "wild child." She acknowledges this "stigma," and goes on to explain that she's moved past that point in her life, having "worked hard to improve [herself] as a human being." "I don't want credit for it," she adds. "I just want people to knock it off. Enough is enough." Fine, Miss D., but you might want to choose a media venue higher up the quality food chain than this to make such an assertion. More fluff follows, with Miss Doherty offering her recipe for deviled ham sandwiches ("dump a bunch of mayonnaise in it and add chopped sweet pickles," for those of you interested), and revelling a bit in her "redneck" heritage. A mention of last season's made-for-non-sweeps-TV Satan's School for Girls allows her to segue into a peek inside her own painful high-school years, during which she took pains to change in the bathroom stall for gym class, shamed as she was by her "chicken legs." This bit of the interview faces a full-body, C. Gilson-clad, Jimmy Choo-shod Doherty triptych, which proves her legs are as bad now as they were then. Moving past all this, Romando gets to one of the few interesting bits of the interview. "You were sentenced to 540 hours of community service for one of your 'incidents,'" he notes, and goes on to ask about the experience. Miss Doherty reveals that she bought her way out of it. "It depends on how much money you're willing to pay the government," she states. "For me, it was something like $60,000." I know I should hate her, given that this sum is roughly twice my annual salary, but if the Southern California judicial system really operates that way, and since she can so obviously afford to exploit it in this manner, I'm inclined to think, "More power to her." Miss Doherty goes on to discuss the incident that resulted in the loss of sixty thousand of her hard-earned dollars, noting it was precipitated by an unprovoked stranger calling her a "cunt" and spitting in her face. I take a moment to pity Poor Shannen. Then I remember that $60,000 and drop it. Chatter ensues regarding her reputation as an "ass kicker," an appellation she claims is unwarranted. "If somebody called me on it one day, like, let's say I started mouthing off to someone and they were like, 'Come here, bitch,' and got in my face, I'd start crying and run." Because she's a deviled-ham-eating redneck wuss. With the vocal inflections of a semiliterate Valley Girl.