Episode Report Card Gustave: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Booty Camp
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 15 | Aired on 02.09.2000
Credits. What lasts the longest in this life? you ask. Character? Rock-hard thighs? Ever met Chita Rivera?
Josh Ford’s home. "Ta da!" says Josh to his mother as he shakes his groin in her direction and models his fishing gear for her. Josh’s mother has a mini-orgasm and gets up to serve him breakfast. "Just getting ready for the annual Ford family fishing expedition, thank you!" says Josh. Mom explains that she can’t go this year. Josh won’t hear it and even offers to, get this, "clean the fish" for her. Besides the obvious sexual component of that statement, I’m just as disturbed over the idea of some poor suffering woman being dragged year after year on a boring fishing trip she doesn’t enjoy and then actually having to clean the fish as well. And meanwhile the actress playing Mrs. Ford looks like the closest she’s ever come to a fish was that salmon tartare she had yesterday at one of the luncheons Nan Kempner holds weekly at her Upper East Side townhouse. Mrs. Ford, though tempted, explains that this year is different because she’s leaving Josh’s father and moving out. "Has he hit you?" asks Josh. Josh’s mother goes on about how abuse doesn’t need to be physical. Josh protests his mother’s decision and begs her to give dad another chance "for me!" Josh’s mother gives into Josh and agrees to go fishing with her emotionally abusive husband. It’s only a TV show. It’s only a TV show. It’s only a TV show.
The Novak. Lily is standing in front of a mirror wearing one of those apron shirts, asking Carmen if her outfit is too much. "I’ve just never seen a handkerchief double as a blouse before," snipes Carmen. Hey Carmen, those who live in glass Glamazon warm-up suits shouldn’t throw stones. Lily insists that she likes the shirt because it makes her feel "saucy." I guess "saucy" is what you are if you’re too thin to be "sassy." Nicole enters, wearing one of those fugly ponchos that Donna on 90210 and Willow on Buffy have been trying to pull off this season. She also has a new pulled-back hairstyle that makes her look strangely like Debra Messing from Will and Grace. "New highlights?" asks Nicole. "Wow," says Lily as if Nicole isn’t there. "She’s being nice." "Yeah," says Carmen. "She’s only being nice to me after a year of hell because she needs a new friend to replace the only one she’s ever had." Nicole applies lipstick in the mirror and tries to maintain her demeanor. Lily and Carmen leave. A toilet flushes. Brooke exits a stall, wearing the same Barbie-pink-and-red t-shirt she wore on that fantasy episode of The Dating Game last week: "Nicole, uh, we need to talk." Nicole is overjoyed that Brooke wants to end their catfighting and confesses that she’s been in such a pity coma that she crashed and wore a pashmina shawl even though they’ve been out since January. Uh, Nicole? While I heartily agree that pashmina shawls have been out since January, and quite possibly before that since just about anyone who subscribes to TV Guide could have them mail-ordered to their home for $29.95, you, Nicole, aren’t wearing a pashmina shawl. You are wearing a crocheted poncho. Brooke cuts her off. "What I want to talk to you about is Freddie Gong," she says, and tells Nicole to stop harassing him. Nicole asks Brooke why she’s listening to Sam. Brooke asks Nicole why she was nice around Christmas but went back to her old ways. Nicole explains that her act of charity, putting Carmen on the Glamazons, backfired with Carmen quitting on her and now she wants revenge. "Compassion gets you nothing but egg on the face," says Nicole, "and if I want a skin-tightening masque, I’m going the Kiehl’s route, hon. Loyalty is clearly not rewarded. " I believe that this is Popular’s first shout-out to me, since I suggested during the Christmas episode recap that instead of picking on Clinique, they should lampoon a more current skin-care company like Kiehl’s. Brooke points out that instead of being loyal, Nicole slept with her boyfriend. Nicole points out, and quite rightly so, that Josh was Brooke’s ex-boyfriend at the time. Brooke tells her to just stop picking on Freddie Gong. Nicole claims that she was only reinforcing the social order Brooke started before getting a conscience was fashionable. "And FYI, hypocrite, remember homecoming?" asks Nicole. "Till two months ago, you didn’t even know Freddie Gong’s name."
Mary Cherry enters. "C’mon, Mary Cherry," says Nicole. "Let’s go to lunch." Mary Cherry explains that since Brooke hates Nicole’s guts, thus making her unpopular, MC can no longer hang out with Nicole for as long as she lives. "Hey," says Mary Cherry to Brooke. "Guess who’s out back chewin’ grass behind the bleachers?" "You didn’t just get me a horse?" asks Brooke. Mary Cherry nods excitedly and pulls her out of the Novak to show her. Whoa! Not only have the writers not forgotten Brooke and Nicole’s breakup from last week, they have also explained quite sufficiently why Nicole went back to being a bitch and made a reference to the Homecoming episode in which Brooke forgot Freddie’s name. Hooray for developing multi-episode story lines!