Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 35 USERS: C YOU GRADE IT The 5 Stages of Ho
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 11 | Aired on 12.02.2013
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Duncan locks the Sanderses in a room and they stupidly think it's so they can have a bottle episode, but the joke is on them because they are too boring even for that. He gives the key to Ellen and tells her not to let them out unless she is in the mood for some bummers -- or things go sideways and she has to flee from assassins with them -- and then takes his team on a day trip to NYC.
He needs schematics for a trio of buildings from which one might shoot the President on his way into a church, but Tate Donovan is being bitchy and won't compromise his non-existent business ethics to provide them, so Ellen rolls her eyes and acts like she and Duncan are best friends and too cool for Tate, and then gets Tate's girlfriend Swampy to steal them, because the truth is that she could care less about Tate or what Tate does or who Tate fucks or even if he is alive or dead, because he falls under the category of Things That Are Not Duncan Carlisle, and thus doesn't matter at all. So Ellen overlooks a bunch of unnecessary repentance drama from stupid Swampy, on the way to doing her part to help the team figure out where the shooters are so they can stop them from killing the President so she can kill the President.
Vanessa spends the day prepping a future candidate to take Colonel Blair as his running mate, I guess so they can then kill that President and make Blair President, which would be a total of three murdered Presidents, which even on a show entirely about murdering the President seems like a lot.
Duncan and Archer kill a shitload of people, while out on the street Tangerine and Beardy are also killing shitloads of people (even though it goes against the spirit of her verbal agreement with G-Man to not help Duncan fuck everything up all the time). Beardy and Charmander also declare their dumb love for each other in language best described as "remedial" even in the context of this show's usual third-grader reading level. I am prepared to believe even in Duncan's nonexistent coolness before I could ever buy her going for Beardy, no matter how heavily leveraged.
Meanwhile, Nina's mom shows up on Grampa's doorstep, which he is already not interested in dealing with because he -- like the Sanderses -- is going to die if Team Duncan doesn't save the President so they can kill the President. He shows her some scrapbooks of her baby from that time the President raped her, and she decides that she wants to tattle on the President to the world. This fits with nobody's plans, so she has to die. At the last second, Burton saves her from getting killed by him by promising she can meet Nina before she dies (and/or is saved by magic beans).
In the end, Duncan comes home to a lot of applause from Ellen, and a lot of dirty looks from the rest of the family, because all Tate did all day was talk shit about Duncan, and their kids are as dumb and impressionable as they are. As if she hasn't already proven how susceptible to brainwashing she is this week -- what with locking her family up and running emotionally scarring errands for Duncan while he's out of town -- Ellen ends the episode by proclaiming her newfound enthusiasm for murdering the President...
And then hitting Duncan Carlisle with a kiss of major intensity, which surprises them both. But not anybody watching the show, because that has been obvious from minute one that it would happen, and it's still gross, and Ellen is still gross. But at least now Duncan has a reason for looking like a horny gerbil all the time.
Next Week: Brian tries to get Burton on board for exposing Team Duncan as lying liars, but after he finds out about the kissing, he takes that shit straight to Nina herself. Meanwhile, the entire government is still freaking out running around trying to figure out how come they keep not killing the President when their entire point right now is killing that guy.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Ellen nearly got her dour ass shot off after pokin' her nose into Nina's mom's business, but at least confirmed that only the President has the necessary beans to magic Nina back to health. Champlain promised to be a mole for G-Man Logan inside Duncan Carlisle's doomed operation thanks to her Achilles Heel: people offering her any amount of money whatsoever. Vanessa is boning the head of the NSA and murdering White House staffers (and hopefully Team Duncan) left and right like it's no big deal, because her brother once flew a plane into a mountain. And Duncan Carlisle found out that he was going to be sniped again, but then figured out that the sniper is actually going to kill the President during his secret praying in New York City, then come back to DC and kill absolutely everybody on the show. Godspeed, Mister Sniper.
DEBRIEF
Beardy keeps an eye on the Sanderses upstairs while Duncan and Archer have a very thrilling conversation about all the things we already know.
Archer: "But I hate New York City! It is the concrete jungle where dreams are made of!"
Duncan Carlisle: "I can't worry about the illiteracy of Alicia Keys right now. I have to save the President so we can kill the President."
Tate: "I hope nobody feels bad about all of the things that have happened to me -- I mean us -- because my manhood depends on feeling manly. I mean, our manhood."
Morgan: "Is this our only scene in this entire episode? Is it Xmas already?"
Jake: "I guess dealing drugs and getting beat into a jelly is all I had going on anyway."
Tate: "Just remember that you have to act like a whiny bitch all the time so our captors won't think you're a whiny bitch."
Morgan: "This whole dick-measuring contest with Duncan Carlisle might go better if Mom and I weren't already brainwashed into being in love with him."
Jake: "Even Mom says we should cooperate."
Tate: "Uh, I think you mean collaborate. Those who do will be first against the wall."
Morgan: "I think all this kicking against the pricks rhetoric is really just you tilting at windmills. You should adopt a more Zen vibe. Like, some days it rains and some days it's sunny. Sometimes you get knocked up with a pickup truck baby, other times you get kidnapped and held hostage in a giant Conspiracy."
Tate: "But what about self-respect? What about America?"