Episode Report Card 2 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Li'l Orphan Annie
By Sara M | Season 8 | Episode 17 | Aired on 02.22.2004
Old lady hobbles in the office and gives Chandler a kindly hello. Then she starts beating the absolute shit out of him with her cane. He screams in pain. Oh, I'll just be watching that scene over and over again over here, thanks.
"Reverend Hampton."
"Uh huh?"
"Ah." THWACK THWACK THWACK!
"Oh, ow, ow! Stop, ow, you're hurting me!"
Rewind
"Ah." THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!"
"Oh, ow, ow! Stop, ow, you're hurting me!"
Rewind
"Ow, ow! Stop, ow, you're hurting me!"
Rewind
"-- you're hurting me!"
Ahhhhh. That was fun. Chandler asks the old lady for an introduction, because that's what people do when they're getting assaulted -- they ask the name of their attacker instead of calling the police. "Gertrude Fleming," the lady says, "I'm little Freddy Fleming's mother." Chandler realizes that she's talking about Mrs. Bink's Fred. Fred Fleming. Another abominable abuse of alliteration. Gertrude says she just found out about the wedding, and he has to stop it. Chandler doesn't understand, so Gertrude asks him if he's stupid or deaf. "Well, both, right now, because I was storing some sausages in my ears for my in-between, in-between breakfast and lunch snack," Chandler says. Gertrude thinks that Mrs. Bink is a cradle-robbing gold digger. Chandler says that's ridiculous. "Poppycock!" Gertrude says. "She is not good enough for my boy!" And then she puts a hand up to her mouth and fake-cries. You know, I live out in Los Angeles now, and I see unemployed actors all the time. There's no shortage of them that would necessitate hiring random people off the street, regardless of talent, as this show so obviously does. Chandler says that Fred is in his sixties, and probably old enough to make his own decisions. This gets him another threat of cane-violence, so he promises to look into it.
Chandler and Roxanne walk up to Fred's son's house. Chandler tells Rox that she can wait in the car. Roxanne says that "domestic disturbance calls are the most dangerous calls to go on." Yeah, that, or talking to homeless people armed with butter knives. Chandler asks Roxanne to at least step back a little; she reminds him that Gertrude beat his ass with a cane, and right now he's going to talk to her grandchildren. Also, Roxanne contractually obliged to appear in every episode at least once, no matter in how ridiculous and contrived a capacity. Chandler rings the doorbell, and a middle-aged guy answers. He sees Roxanne and assumes that Chandler is here to tell him something bad about his father. He starts freaking out and calls "Sally" to the door. Sally looks kind of like a cross between Molly Shannon and Linda Tripp. Chandler says this is all a misunderstanding. The guy, "Ernie," says that the police are here and he's not misunderstanding that. Chandler says that Roxanne is "not the police, just a friend." "A friend who dresses up like a police officer?" Sally asks. Ernie says he's going to call the real police, expressing the true gravity of the situation by calling Chandler "bucko." Apparently, Ernie has never had true need for the police in Glenoak, because then he would know that by calling, he'd only get a visit from Kevin and Cpt. Michaels, and they would probably join Roxanne in standing on his lawn and glaring at him.