Episode Report Card Keckler: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Welcome To Planet Crack Whore
By Keckler | Season 4 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.25.2004
Vulcan ships fire at Enterprise. Enterprise prepares to return fire.
The Geordi. T'Ma announces what I just told you. T'Pau orders T'Ma to evacuate everyone while she, T'Pol, and Quantum play Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. T'Ma protests. "I've spent two years searching for the artifact. If there's a chance of finding it..." T'Pau says. Here's a question: Quantum knows where it is because SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA told him. So, wouldn't that mean that the Chuckling Vulcan also knew where it was? T'Pau even said that the Chuckling Vulcan specifically brought them there to find the artifact, yet they still haven't found it? We're going to see that it takes Quantum all of the eight minutes left in this show to find it, so, uh, what gives, Chuckling Vulcan? Were you just stringing these Syrrannites along because you liked having a sect named after you? Or were you doing one of those annoying sect leader-y things where you make your Ites work for their knowledge? I wish you'd made Quantum work for his knowledge, rather than just handing it over to him on a silver occipital lobe. "T'Pol?" T'Ma calls after her daughter. T'Pol turns and makes her face like ice: "I'm staying." T'Ma reluctantly leaves.
The Vulcans fire on Enterprise and the ship takes damage. Dub'ya hails them on audio and announces that they are outgunned, outmatched, and outrageous! He tells them to leave while they still can. Soval puts in his two cents from T'Pol's seat: "He's right. We should withdraw. Our deaths won't help T'Pol or Captain Quantum." Trip flares his nostrils a bit before he accepts his second-in-command's opinion and orders them the hell outta there.
Vulcan. Dub'ya gets all excited and says that the moment Enterprise is out of scanner range, they should bombard The Geordi.
Quantum carries a really large torch that probably burns up more oxygen in these small spaces than it's worth as they navigate the massive cobwebs (do they have spiders on Vulcan?) and corridors. They pass by some mummies, and Quantum notes of one particularly sour-faced sarcophagus, "T'Klass. He was a student of Surak -- one of the first kolinahr masters." T'Pol notes that there's no inscription on the moldering body, nothing to indicate who he is: "How do you know his name?" "We're getting close," is all Quantum will say. Shut up, SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA, or else I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party! T'Pau notes that the distant bombs signify that the High Command has begun their assault. Quantum comes to a round door. He touches its secret places with a little swirl at the end and unlocks its mysteries. That sounds kinda dirty. The round door rolls back, and they find themselves on the Promenade with Quark's bar to the right and meat on a stick to their left. But not because this isn't a good enough show to warrant meat on a stick. There's a big pyramid inside, and they all gape at it. Personally, I'm a bit disappointed. Oh, maybe it's that ancient weapon, the Stone of Gol, which will bring death and destruction to all! That's really SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA'S plan. He's annoyed it took the Syrrannites this long to find the damn thing so he just wants to wipe them all out. Quantum boldly picks up the pointy object and allows to T'Pau touch the shaft. What? That's exactly what he did. T'Pau breathes, "I had my doubts it really existed." We all did, honey, we all did. Oh, she's talking about the thing. Never mind. An explosion rocks the caverns. See, you're not supposed to bring it beyond the Great Seal! Idiots. They run out.