Episode Report Card Omar G: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Chick-Magnet Of The Sea
By Omar G | Season 5 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.19.2005
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.It's summertime in Smallville, and all the cool kids are hanging out at Crater Lake. Some folks are hanging out a little more than others -- like, say, Lois Lane in her bikini. She joins up with Chloe, Clark, and Lana, but gets into trouble when she takes a long walk off a short pier (did she overhear us talking about her?) and bonks her head. Clark goes to save her from drowning, but is interrupted by the teen version of Dolph Lundgren -- a square-headed, square-jawed, square-pectoral-muscled dude who swims like the wind and says "Bro" a lot. This is Aquaman. Aquaman rescues Lois with some mouth-to-mouth action, and before you can say "mononucleosis," they're sorta dating in a halting, awkward, badly acted way. Aquaman hates Lex Luthor because Lex is developing a sea weapon to sell to the military that would, as a side effect, kill a bunch of marine life. When Aquaman (or "A.C.," which is a desperate cry for "Acting Coach") finds out Clark's secret (and vice versa), the two team up temporarily to disable Lex's Weapon of Bass Destruction. Lex takes Aquaman hostage for a little while, denying him precious water, but Clark soon saves his new friend. Lex and Clark exchange harsh words about lies and how they're not chummy anymore (mmm, sea chum...) and as a by-product, Clark takes a research job with his new professor at the A&M he's now attending. The professor, played by one James Marsters, isn't a fan of Lex Luthor's, and is working on a project to expose LuthorCorp's dirty deeds. The professor is also a very smart guy -- you might even say brainy. Aquaman leaves town, fearing retribution from Lex, but not before using his giant robot head to kiss Lois's aging, non-emotive face. Clark tells her she'll meet someone even more super someday, but for now she's left to pine. It's all right, though. She'll always have Aquaman near her. After all, she's about 30% saline. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Big shout-out this week to water, without which this episode (and recap) would never have been possible. Water, you never complain, you cover the majority of the Earth, and you don't even care when people add lemon flavor to you, stick it in a bottle, and call it nutritious. Water? You rock. In fact, you shape rock.
The episode begins with a sign that reads "Crater Lake" and some rockin' rock music playing. We pan across summer-dressed teens throwing footballs and lugging ice chests. Is there anything more American than a Styrofoam ice chest? We see Chloe's convertible and Clark's red pick-up truck parked. Barbecuers are roasting up the goods while others are just kicking it on blankets by the water. Lovely Kansas mountains, those. Someone on the lake is jet-skiing. Dudes, this was shot in Vancouver. Wanna guess how cold that water was? ["Actually, Vancouver never gets terribly cold -- and wouldn't be very cold at the end of August or beginning of September, when they probably shot this. Having said that: there really aren't mountains in Kansas, at all." -- Wing Chun] On a blanket near the not-very-secure-looking pier, Clark is rubbing suncreen on Lana's back. She's wearing a slung-over one-piece black bathing suit that your grandma wore when she went to Coney Island as a teen. The boys got fresh with her and there's more to tell, but your grandma swore me to secrecy. Lana tells Clark that he missed a spot. "Where?" Clark asks. Lana points to her lips. Mustn't let her lips get sunburned. She might never emote again. Clark, shirtless, leans over and kisses her.
Just then, Chloe and Lois walk up. "Well, I know what you did this summer," Lois jokes. Chloe is wearing some sort of sundress that covers up her goodies, while Lois is just hanging out there with her giant fake tits bumping poor extras out of the way and her low-slung bikini bottom making, as my friend Adrian Villegas says, "a gynecological exam redundant." Clark and Lois stand up to greet them. Lois tells Clark not to look so guilty; she says it's about time the lovebirds spread their wings. I don't even want to speculate on the euphemistical implications. "What are you doing back?" Clark asks Lois. I'm with him on this one. Chloe grins at the chit-chat. Lana says she thought Lois was still in Europe. Honestly? I think the producers didn't think Chloe could fill out a bathing suit as well, or she would have been the focus of this episode's storyline. Is it valid? No. But come on. It's not like Chloe's dating anyone and couldn't have had an opposites-attract thing with Aquadude. Clark says he was hoping Lois wouldn't be back for the rest of the year. She gives him an amused dirty look. Am I the only one who thinks they've completely ruined Lois as a character on this show? They brought her in too early and too often and now we're just stuck with her. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Lois is the new Lana. And that's a crap place to be, Durance.