Episode Report Card Couch Baron: B- | 1 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT Feels So Bad Inside
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.22.2004
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.So like, you guys? Remember how the show got preempted last week for that awards show that no one cared about, and then someone totally got STABBED? You don't? Good, me either. Anyway, there's something called a "Purity Test" floating around school, which is sort of like an online version of a Slam Book, except that you do it to yourself, like...what? And then someone hacks into the results and distributes them around the school. The resulting pearl-clutching makes me think these people don't really spend much time in the online community. This one 09er gets her rep compromised, which is only significant because she was really nice to Veronica. Veronica is able to unsully her new ally's name, of course, and hopefully her friend won't disappear into the one-off ether, because it's nice to have rich friends, isn't it? Also, some dork is giving Wallace's mom a hard time, so Keith leans on him...literally. And finally, Veronica arranges to see Abel Koontz, who tells her that Jake Kane is her father. Of course, he's acting fruitier than a nutcake, so maybe he's incorrect. But I'm guessing the forum posters agree with him. Also, Weevil and Logan travel to Canada for their commitment ceremony. Sadly, that plotline unfolds off camera. But just wait till Logan comes into school wearing Weevil's jacket! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Veronica's examining the conflicting photos of Lilly's shoes as VMVO tells us that only one person can shed any light on the situation, and that only one person, in turn, can get her in to see him. On cue, Cliff the Sleazy Lawyer enters Mars Investigations. Veronica gives him a bright smile. Given how seldom his entrances likely produce that result, his ensuing confusion is understandable. After we learn that Cliff's surname is "McCormick," Veronica cuts to the chase about Cliff getting her in to see Abel Koontz on Death Row. Cliff: "You crazy kids! The stuff you're into!" Hee. Veronica says that Cliff is Koontz's lawyer, but Cliff points out that since Koontz got sentenced to death and refused to appeal, any lawyering duties of his are of the past. Veronica thinks Cliff could get her in, but he tells her that Koontz alone decides whom he'll see, and to this point, he's seen no one. There's some exposition to the effect that some very famous lawyers would have stepped over their own mothers to handle Koontz's case. Er, faster than usual. But Koontz chose public defender Cliff, who adds, "I failed Criminal Law, and I still know that can't be good." Well, yeah. Although if Koontz was so hell-bent on getting the death penalty, I'm surprised he didn't defend himself. I'm pretty sure the jury would vote to execute anyone who started his defense with "Your Honor, you look about a size fourteen." Veronica shows Cliff the two photographs of Lilly's sneakers, and asks why Koontz would have broken back into the Kane house to steal a pair of shoes. Cliff thinks it might be because the man in question is batshit crazy, and then realizes, "Your dad didn't page me, did he?" Don't try to tell me you failed Criminal Law with deductive reasoning skills like that, Cliff. You were at least a minute ahead of the newborn baby ward and the local stoner population. Cliff gets up to leave, but Veronica keeps pressing her case, so Cliff reluctantly tells her to write Koontz a letter, and promises to make sure Koontz gets it, but warns her that Koontz will say no. Veronica: "You think? Sometimes people find it very difficult to say no to me." That's what happens when you speak softly, and carry a stun gun. Also, was Veronica hitting on Cliff?
Well, probably not, but the cut to the showers in the girls' locker room at school makes me think the writers had more than one entendre in mind with that comment. Veronica comes out of the shower with a towel tied around her. In the interest of painting the most descriptive picture possible, I'll just pretend I'm straight for a moment. Hubba hubba! Woof woof! Do those legs go all the way up? Eh, I can't do it. Apparently trying to act straight has the side effect of transporting me to an era where guys still used Brylcreem. I'm willing to try new things for my readers, though. Up to a certain point, anyway. Veronica returns to her locker to discover that it's ajar, her open lock inside. I don't understand that -- it hasn't been cut, and it doesn't seem too likely that someone cracked the combination while Veronica was in the shower. The only way I could see the 09er girls being proficient at lock-picking would be if chastity belts were still in vogue. Veronica pointedly asks the girls around her where her clothes are, but all she gets is a chorus of titters and tee-hees. She asks again...