Episode Report Card Chuck: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Dog Doo
By Chuck | Season 5 | Episode 4 | Aired on 01.26.2002
Pepa. Cool.
This week, Augustus Hill will be discussing Vikings, those bawdy Norsemen who wore hats with pointy horns on them and wreaked havoc from England to Russia. Hill, playing with a sword, has donned a hat with pointy horns on it to demonstrate. Except that the Vikings never wore those pointy-horned hats, says Hill. Um, they probably weren't black with dreads either, dude. And, continues Hill, since they had very limited farming space, they only pillaged to survive. Oh, so survival-driven pillaging is okay. But what about the "rape" part?
Flashback to Alvarez telling the large-featured kid to kill Guerra. Hey, I got my wish -- there's his ass, um, haul-assing toward Guerra, whose ass, along with the rest of him, is taking a shower. Double your pleasure, double your fun -- what could be better than two asses in one? Unfortunately, I think the only penetration will be blade-related. So this kid -- oh, his name's Jaime -- presses a shank against Guerra's back and tells him that death will be kindly stopping for him right about now, that the end is nigh, and that's just how it is. Guerra asks Jaime to let him turn around and take it like a man (I think he's slightly confused there), and Jaime, since he's young and dumb, falls for Guerra's request. Guerra spins and pushes Jaime, who falls on his back, as we get a full frontal shot of Guerra. Wow, it's wish fulfillment run amok. Jaime meets his maker as Guerra smashes his head repeatedly into the tile wall.
Alvarez, gracing the door of Mukada's office, requests a confession. Mukada tells him to come back on Saturday afternoon, but Alvarez really wants to confess now. Mukada relents and sits at his desk; Alvarez, seated opposite, talks about how he's been all over the place since getting out of solitary, just trying to prove that he's not a pussy. "I know what you mean," says Mukada. Why? Because Mukada has also been trying to prove that he's not a pussy? Or just that he is one (bing bing bing -- that's the winning answer! Do I get the washer/dryer?)? Mukada says he should have died in that bus accident (hey -- he said it, not me), and that Cloutier's missing, which he thinks "is supposed to mean something," but he "can't figure out what that something is." Well, don't worry, Father. Don't tax your pretty little head; anyone with a first-grade education has known exactly what "it" means for months now, so just pick up the phone and we'll explain it to you. Alvarez asks Mukada to pray an extra-super-duper prayer for him; as Mukada looks confused, Alvarez reveals that someone died because of him. Dramatic music swells, since this is clearly the first time that Alvarez has been responsible for a death. "Jaime Velez?" asks Mukada. Alvarez says the corpse in question was innocent (he must have been really surprised to find himself in prison, then). Mukada tells Alvarez that although they've had their moments, he thinks that Alvarez has a good soul and will figure out a way to right the wrong. And if he doesn't? "Then you really are a pussy," says Mukada, reminding me of countless childhood confessions and priestly words of wisdom.
An attractive woman explains her program -- "Man's Best Friend" -- to McManus, who's reading something else and only pretending to listen. I was listening, however, and am pleased to report that Man's Best Friend employs prisoners to train seeing-eye dogs, since (it's PSA time again) there are lots of visually-impaired people and a decent pool of potential guide dogs, but not enough people to train them. It's been a smash. Smellie enters, pissed that McManus has started talking to this woman before she arrived. She goes for "icy," but misses the mark, landing somewhere near "dyspeptic." McManus looks like the doofus that he is. Smellie raises concerns, but PrettyDogLady addresses them: yes, the program has been a success, with a high percentage of dogs qualifying and an even higher percentage of prisoners displaying better attitudes; yes, the specific skills needed to train the dogs can be taught; no, the prisoners don't hurt the dogs, as they go from having nothing to nurturing a life. Yes, but do they have sex with them? This is Oz, PrettyDogLady; this is Oz. Smellie remains skeptical and grows increasingly breathy, saying she thinks starting small makes sense, as McManus picks at her until she finally snaps, "Fuck you, Tim," surprising PrettyDogLady, but not me, since I'm used to the fact that these two behave in a completely unprofessional manner that insults anyone with whom they are speaking, as well as themselves. Smellie wins when PrettyDogLady says that she prefers to start small, and then they both look at McManus, who probably starts and finishes small, as PrettyDogLady says she needs three volunteers.