Episode Report Card Demian: C | 7 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT Eduardo Verástegui. Naked.
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 12 | Aired on 01.17.2004
Fade up on some stock footage of a wintry, windswept mountain peak. Meanwhile, back on a soundstage in Los Angeles, Holly Marie Combs idly loiters on a set left over from a particularly dreadful episode, swathed in multiple layers of seasonally appropriate clothing to disguise the fact that she is, by now, sixty-eight months pregnant. A gentleman ambles into the frame toting a pair of skis and asks if she's ready to hit the slopes. "I want to," Piper replies, "but..." "What's holding you back?" the gentleman wonders. Their voices, incidentally, are all echoey, so we know that this is some sort of fantasy sequence. As Piper considers her answer, the disembodied voice of The Doltine Psycho calls out, "Mama!" "[Sociopathic Product Of My Loins]?" Piper bleats, confused. "He must be pretty special," the gentleman notes as he slowly backs away from her, "for you to give up everything." And with that, the gentleman simply fades away. The Psycho cries out for his mother once more as the camera cranes up into the air above Piper. A white flash of light zaps us back to...
...the Bridal Boudoir, where Piper bolts awake from her nap as the shrill caterwauling of her murderous infant reaches her ears through the baby monitor at her side. She races into The Prue Halliwell Memorial Bimbo Boudoir Of Paisley Tit Slings And Other Fashion Atrocities, currently occupied by The Doltine Psycho, to discover a dreadlocked white boy in black monastic garb scanning the brat with a silver wand that's emitting a pinkish ray of light. The Psycho's tossed up his protective shield, but the scanning ray's shooting right through it. The dreadlocked monk mojos the silver wand -- which glows and vanishes -- and then raises his arms as if in triumph. Piper deploys her Hands Of Discontent and wastes the manky-haired bastard. The Psycho immediately drops his shield, and Piper bustles over to scoop him up in her arms and croon reassurances into his ear. The Psycho just dead-eyes another soon-to-be-deceased P.A. on the floor.
Somewhere...else, the wand rematerializes in mid-air and drops into the hand of a Craptin-chanting abbot. He and the others of his demonic order are arranged in a circle around a column of light that presently morphs into a holographic representation of The Doltine Psycho. "At last!" the abbot murmurs. "We have found him!" Um. DUN!? So early in the episode? This should be dull. The holographic lazy Susan upon which The Psycho's been placed spins until the little monster's been flung into the opening credits.