Episode Report Card Demian: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT You were expecting a Seuss joke here, weren't you?
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 9 | Aired on 11.16.2002
Sun porch. Sam pulls some "I'm a loser and I screwed up your life! Pity me!" crap that Raige isn't having. She had a father, you see, one who made her proud to be his daughter, and no offense, Sammy Boy, but Raige doesn't know you, didn't waste too much time thinking about you when she was growing up, and quite frankly couldn't give a rat's ass one way or the other about your supposed failings in life. Sam argues that Raige should hate him. "After all, I'm the one who gave you up at birth," he notes. "That has to have caused you some pain." Raige wrinkles her nose and squints like Sam's suddenly pulled a Mel Gibson and started speaking Aramaic. Oooh. Raige is getting sassy.
Over in the kitchen, the Dolt orbs in with Piper. Phoebe congratulates them on convincing Sam to return to the Manor. Piper and the Dolt haven't the slightest clue what she's talking about, for their visit to The Flophouse Of The A-Plot was an abject failure. Uh oh!
Sun porch. Sam babbles some more bullshit about how screwed up Raige must be because he left her with a nun the day she was born. Raige tells him to blow it out his ass just as Piper, Phoebe, and the Dolt race in from the kitchen with the news that this Sam is an impostor. "What are you talking about?" Raige snips. "[They're] talking about this," Sam says as he morphs into Cole. Cole is so much more attractive than Sam, anyway. Plus, he's got that bomber jacket. "You son of a bitch!" Raige seethes. Cole just giggles and snorts, "Wait, wait. It gets better!" He calls for Raoul -- whose actual name seems to be Ronan, by the way. Piper immediately tosses her Hands Of Discontent in the Darklighter's direction, but Raoul simply absorbs the blast with barely a twitch. "He's immune!" Cole giddily perks. I do so love it when Cole enjoys his job. Phoebe sneers that Raoul's not immune to her mad potion skills, and hurls a vanquishing vial at his chest. It explodes harmlessly against his jacket. Raoul takes aim with his crossbow, and the arrowhead glimmers with a light from within. When Raoul pulls the trigger, the arrow flies across the sun porch, splitting into three separate missiles as it goes. One hits Raige in the stomach, the second wings the Dolt's arm, and the third plunges into Piper's belly, where the percolating infant chews it up and spits out toothpicks and penny nails. Either that, or the percolating infant hastily erected a protective shield and the arrow bounced off. Things were moving pretty quickly there. Raige drops, wincing slightly in pain. The Dolt drops, making with the constipated chimpanzee faces. Cole and Raoul smear and shimmy themselves into the commercial break.