Episode Report Card 71 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT Santana's Hair Is Full Of Secrets
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 10 | Aired on 03.04.2014
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.In Ohio: Dreamboat Blaine, Single-T Tina, and Sam's Absolutely Disgusting Hair decide to throw The First Annual McKinley High Senior Class Lock-In at the school in advance of the graduation I'm still not entirely certain we're ever going to see. Naturally, Principal Sylvester shuts that crap down with a quickness over budgetary issues and safety concerns, so the two kids plus Sam's Nightmarish Coif of course break into the school over the weekend anyway for a fun-filled and carefree evening of high-spirited hijinks, just to spite the tracksuited buzzkill in the main office. Unfortunately, Becky Jackson crashes their little party. Even more unfortunately, Tina scarfs down about fifteen of Becky's twelve-hour energy drinks and starts making out with The Thing On Sam's Head. Blaine is sickened and repulsed -- as any right-thinking person should be -- but he eventually gets over himself, and everyone's all happy smiles again by the end of the episode.
In New York: Old Idiot Rachel's still feuding with Santana Lopez, and she proceeds to drag Adam Lambert into the whole ungodly mess by barging into his tiny little apartment with all of her stuff and turning him into her personal slave. Both St. Gay Of Lima and Starrbooty try to get the gals to kiss and make up, but neither Santana nor The Batshit Bimbo Of Broadway wants anything to do with the other, so St. Gay deploys a little tough love and kicks them both out of that band of his that absolutely no one cares about. For whatever reason, this action sets Santana and Rachel to reevaluating the choices they've made in their lives as of late, and while they're not back to being best girlfriends by evening's end, they do seem to have agreed upon a truce. For now.
In Other News: Emma's knocked up! Hooraaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzz.
Featuring "Jumpin' Jumpin'" by Destiny's Child, as performed by Single-T Tina, Dreamboat Blaine, and The Thing On Sam's Head; Heart's "Barracuda," as performed by Adam Lambert and The Batshit Bimbo Of Broadway; "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds, as performed by Sam's Greasy Ponytail, Blaine, and Tina; "Danny's Song" from Loggins And Messina, as performed Will and Emma; Laura Branigan's "Gloria," as performed by Santana Lopez, Starrbooty, and Old Idiot Rachel; "The Happening" by The Supremes, as performed by St. Gay Of Lima, Demi Lovato, and Adam Lambert; and "Hold On" from Wilson Phillips, as performed by The McKinley High Seniors and The New York Five.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High, History Classroom Subdivision. Mr. Schue's in the middle of lecturing his students on the less-gruesome particulars of The Donner Party when his seldom-seen wife bursts breathlessly through the door to gasp, "It's time! We have to do it right now!" Mr. Schue wastes absolutely no time abandoning his charges -- because he's a teacher who really cares, dontcha know -- and he and Emma soon find themselves skittering through The Hallowed Halls on their way to the faculty bathroom. I'm just gonna make a little note here that the posters nearest the restroom's door read "GOT BALLS?" and "REPENT NOW!" and keep moving, for various bangs and grunts and squeals of delight are now emanating from the faculty can, which is a development I find both more intriguing and deeply repellent. And wouldn't you know it? Becky Jackson happens along the corridor at this very moment and, with her interest piqued by the unholy racket now assaulting all of our ears, she pushes open the relevant door -- which the Schuesters of course forgot to lock -- and immediately runs screaming for the nearest available exit once she's gotten an eyeful of the demonic goings-on in the faculty toilet.
Cut to The Lair Of The Sylvester, where The Sylvester herself announces, "I am disturbed on every level." There's a pause, during which Sue stares in nauseated horror at Emma and Will for a moment, and then she adds, "And Becky has been scarred for life." We get a brief shot of the catatonic, thousand-yard stare decorating Becky's face out in the office antechamber before the camera's focus racks back to take in the terribly embarrassed expressions now being offered by the offensive marrieds as both Emma and Will start in with their weak-sounding apologies. Sue halts their mewling with a simple gesture of her hand, and she proceeds to lay into them like so: "I am aware that the pheromones emitted from the orifices of your porous, bird-lady pelvis can cause an overwhelming urge to copulate in some emotionally stunted man-children with butt-chins who befriend teenagers and can't rap, but why could you not wait to copulate until you returned to the sickly-sweet stench of your own conjugal bed?" Emma, flustered: "I'm, well... Sue, uh, Will and I are trying to conceive a child." Sue, aghast: "Oh, God! Whyyyyyyyyyy?!" Hee! Emma, bless her heart, takes this as a serious question, and offers Sue a thoroughly candid and thoughtfully reasoned answer regarding the Schuesters' current situation in life, and how "there are certain windows of time where fertilization is most likely," and how ladies of a certain age must seize every opportunity available to them before it's too late, but what Sue really wants -- and what Will and Emma eventually provide -- is a solemn vow never to bump uglies in the faculty can again, ever. "Not gonna happen," Will promises. "Well," Emma flutters, all inappropriate smiles, "hopefully it won't have to, if I hurry up right now and lie down on the floor in my office and put my feet up on a chair, because we were able to achieve a successful emission!" Sue promptly vomits directly into this evening's equally disgusted title card, and with that, we're off to...