Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bass
By Jacob Clifton | Season 4 | Episode 17 | Aired on 02.13.2003
Rygel sighs, and says pitiably: "I'm sick of this popcorn." And I don't mean he's asking for pity. I mean he should be pitied. "I just feel sorry for Crichton," says Chiana, lying and being so much stronger as John goes down, down, down. Less innocent than she was just a few minutes ago, and so much stronger than we've seen her. "Noranti gave me this stuff that'll help 'im sleep. You think I should go find him?" Rygel sighs, older and far away. "No. Give it to me." She blows the dust into his face and he breathes in deep, tired and rejecting food so that he can sleep -- pretend this isn't happening. "Feel sorry for Aeryn," he says. That's who he's thinking of; that's why he's so tired all of a sudden. "He'll get over it," Rygel mumbles. Chiana closes her eyes and massages Rygel's neck. "I don't think he will, Ryg. You know, no matter how long it takes, I don't think he'll lose hope." The word for what gets you every time. How far would you go if you could actually see the finish line? How deep could you fall if you knew the rock bottom was coming up to catch you? What deals would you make?
John reflects, hearing Aeryn's voice again. "I believe Katratzi to be some sort of base." He sees her face, a flash on the screen. "Highly guarded." Her face, again and again: "They wouldn't have taken Grayza anywhere less secure..."
Rygel sits on a couch at Chez Alien, surrounded by ridiculous amounts of junk food. "Who's winning?" Bobby asks. "Me," says Rygel. This close to the end of the series, I can just go ahead and say he's my hero forever. "I mean the game," Bobby laughs. "Who cares?" Rygel just put himself on a Noranti level of love for the episode. Bobby wows at Rygel's crazy amount of sugary crap, and Rygel tells him to go get his own. "What do you like best on Earth?" Sugar, Rygel says. Anything with sugar: "[At home] it's used as a poison. Here, you can get it everywhere!" He laughs crazily and tells Rygel he also loves "grease" and "fat"; Bobby zooms in on a plate of burgers. Dr. Fletcher laughs and calls this a level of understanding about our culture that we're unwilling to admit. "As an outsider, his views are a prismatic tool for us to perhaps examine ourselves." Which nobody ever, ever does, so keep dreaming. "So, all in all, you could live here," Bobby prods. Rygel nods: "As long as I get to keep my slaves." Bobby clarifies that they're paid servants, hired by the government to make the aliens feel at home, and Rygel's like, "You're kidding! They come running when I call. If you want me to feel at home, bring me some real slaves." Bobby asks if they're anything else he's into, besides eating food: "Gamble: You can do it over the phone. You can call females, too. 1-900-SLUT-GIRL." Alana Lichtenstein, Outside Counsel, Immigration and Naturalization Service: "I was privileged to have interviewed the Dominar during his visit. Despite what I'm sure many viewers are thinking, this is the ruler of over 600 billion subjects. He must be doing something right." Like wanking on the phone, and being a deposed monarch of nothing. I love Alana Lichtenstein.
"A little known fact about this, the biggest story of the new millennium. There is at least one person who makes a credible claim that our alien visitors have been here before. In 1985, to be exact..." That trooper from "Kansas" appears: "Welcome Robert Shelmacher, former Sheriff of Orlando." He's older but recognizable and a HITG, in orange pants and a tan sport coat, with something weird on the floor beside him. "Still Sheriff. Always Sheriff. No alien's gonna run me off my job!" This part's awkward and weird on many levels, as he explains his adventures back in 1985: "Ears, tentacles, Cher." And he holds up his gourd, which has straw sticking out of it like earbrows: "Their leader." Monroe starts to notice that Shelmacher is fucking fucked up, but continues. "In the Sheriff's defense, way back in 1985 he filed a report with the FBI, giving what we now realize are fairly accurate descriptions of General D'Argo, Noranti, Officer Sun and Dominar Rygel." The files remain sealed, and no one in the government will talk about it. "Can you tell us what you remember of that time, Sheriff?" Shelmacher goes nuts at this point about how they kidnapped Johnny and sabotaged the Challenger to ground us and they put microchips in our heads but he's got a hat with tinfoil inside, and they are planning to make us fat so that we can be defeated through fatty foods and he's been in an institution for the last eighteen years, but at least he's still: "Lean! Undefeatable! Vegetables! Fruit! No saturated fat!" Which is a lot of words to say this: he's the rat, and worth your pity too.
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