Television Without Pity » Mondo Extras » Recaps & Extras » Season 2005 Episode 2

There are three things going on here, and they all have one thing in common: it's the day after Valentine's Day, and it's already fallen out however it's going to fall out, and what you're about to see can't help but be universal, and satisfying, because there's something for everyone. If your significant other screwed up, you get to feel vindicated. If your significant other did well, you get to feel superior. If you're in an abusive relationship and want to stay there, you get to be encouraged to do so. If you often blame the victim, you will be justified in doing so. If you are so base-level chauvinist that your main fear about the sacrament of marriage is that your sexual servicing might lessen in frequency, you get to know you're not alone. If you've ever settled just so you won't die alone, you will see yourself well-represented.

If you like the uninteresting, predictable twists and turns of relationships as displayed on such television shows as Everybody Loves Raymond, The King of Queens, Two And A Half Men, and all those other shows I can't think of right now because I've never seen any of them, you get to be right in your comfort zone. Turns out those people exist and they're everywhere around us. If you're alone and bitter, you get to feel better than the people who are willing to completely abdicate their lives to the hands of a TV magician. If you hate marriage and relationships and love and Valentine's Day and sentiment and men, or women, or both, trust me. You're going to love this. And come sit over here, by me.

I really thought I liked Dr. Phil, the last time I saw him. Kind of a tool, kind of high on himself, but basically right about most things not having to do with himself. Refreshingly hostile, if a little troublingly bothered by femininity. Smart, quick, clever. I mean, I tried to keep it relatively quiet, just like the Van Der Beek thing ["�.auuuuuuuugh!" -- Sars], but deep down I accepted that part of me that seemed always to agree with Dr. Phil's resolutions about other people's lives.

That ends now. That ends so fast.

If your main demographic -- correct me if I'm wrong -- is women in the 18-49, and you got your start screaming advice from Oprah Winfrey's stage, what does it say about you that your entire primetime special is basically about how much women suck and should shut up? And not for nothing, but how far can I get bitching about the mistreatment of said demographic, if they remain his fans after tonight?

So: three stories. Story A is about "a single girl who can't land a man." Right away you know how this is going to go: you can't "land" a man, there is in fact something deeply wrong with you, and only Dr. Phil can fix it. And while he's trying, he is going to treat you so very much like crap. "Miss Independent" starts playing, and this is great synergy, see, because this is a song about just what we're seeing.