Episode Report Card Joe R: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Fashion Of The Christ
By Joe R | Season 1 | Episode 4 | Aired on 08.28.2005
Nancy comes home, furious at Andy, and says they wanted to suspend Shane. Andy's like, "If the kid wants to believe in Chris, hey, that's freedom of religion, man." Scumbag's got a point, Nance. Nancy fumes about how she had to kiss some major principal ass to keep Shane out of trouble, not to mention the shit she's going to take from the "hypo-Christian" moms around town. Andy lies that he was only trying to pitch in to help the family, though he's not prepared when Nancy asks to see said helpful money. Andy's saved because Nancy gets a phone call from the Candyman.
Next thing we know, Nancy's walking gingerly around what looks to be an industrial kitchen with sweets brewing and bubbling all around her. Spooky beeps-and-whistles body-snatchers music plays, like Nancy's just boarded the Mother Ship, and she turns around to find Jane Lynch standing in the doorway. Jane's the Candyman, ironically enough, and the first thing she does is ask Nancy if she exercises. Because the Candyman won't sell to anyone who hasn't made a commitment to physical fitness. Quick-thinking Nancy's like, "You sell to Heylia, don't you?" Jane (I can't have a whole paragraph of "The Candyman does this and that"; it looks like I'm reviewing the Virginia Madsen film collection) replies, "Heylia's a lazy fat-fat, and I'm hoping to put her in a diabetic coma, so I have no problem selling to her." This is vintage Jane Lynch -- officious, hardcore, and utterly preposterous. Jane calls Nancy "skinny fat," and when Nancy's flip about getting into shape, Jane says she herself used to weigh 314 pounds. Nancy sounds, I think, legitimately impressed. Nancy says she's not buying for herself and manages to whip up a quick rationalization that giving her customers edibles rather than smokables will keep their lungs clean "should they decide to exercise." This is apparently good enough for Jane, and Nancy asks for everything she's got in stock. "And?" asks Jane. "And I will make a greater effort to exercise," Nancy pledges. Jane: "No, no, no." Nancy: "And I will exercise." Jane: "Yes. You. Will."
Heylia's. Conrad and Andy reconnect by way of hugging it out. Heylia couldn't be more over it, passing through the frame every 30 seconds or so to make some sarcastic comment or another. They catch up with each other: Andy's been in Alaska, Conrad's taken up Pilates. Andy asks Conrad if he can hook him up with a little, and before Conrad can even reply, Heylia drops Nancy's pick-up on the kitchen table. Andy doesn't know what he's done to deserve such a bounty, and when Heylia asks for the money, he of course doesn't have it. "Great," huffs Heylia. "Lady Saltine sends her errand boy over with no scratch." Andy's not so slow on the uptake, and he pieces together the fact that Nancy's now dealing fairly quickly. He can't suppress a giggle at this idea, but he also looks mad impressed. He uses the t-shirt money to pay for the rest of Nancy's stash