Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT Prince Charmed
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 12 | Aired on January 17, 2004
Fade up on some stock footage of a wintry, windswept mountain peak. Meanwhile, back on a soundstage in Los Angeles, Holly Marie Combs idly loiters on a set left over from a particularly dreadful episode, swathed in multiple layers of seasonally appropriate clothing to disguise the fact that she is, by now, sixty-eight months pregnant. A gentleman ambles into the frame toting a pair of skis and asks if she's ready to hit the slopes. "I want to," Piper replies, "but..." "What's holding you back?" the gentleman wonders. Their voices, incidentally, are all echoey, so we know that this is some sort of fantasy sequence. As Piper considers her answer, the disembodied voice of The Doltine Psycho calls out, "Mama!" "[Sociopathic Product Of My Loins]?" Piper bleats, confused. "He must be pretty special," the gentleman notes as he slowly backs away from her, "for you to give up everything." And with that, the gentleman simply fades away. The Psycho cries out for his mother once more as the camera cranes up into the air above Piper. A white flash of light zaps us back to...
...the Bridal Boudoir, where Piper bolts awake from her nap as the shrill caterwauling of her murderous infant reaches her ears through the baby monitor at her side. She races into The Prue Halliwell Memorial Bimbo Boudoir Of Paisley Tit Slings And Other Fashion Atrocities, currently occupied by The Doltine Psycho, to discover a dreadlocked white boy in black monastic garb scanning the brat with a silver wand that's emitting a pinkish ray of light. The Psycho's tossed up his protective shield, but the scanning ray's shooting right through it. The dreadlocked monk mojos the silver wand -- which glows and vanishes -- and then raises his arms as if in triumph. Piper deploys her Hands Of Discontent and wastes the manky-haired bastard. The Psycho immediately drops his shield, and Piper bustles over to scoop him up in her arms and croon reassurances into his ear. The Psycho just dead-eyes another soon-to-be-deceased P.A. on the floor.
Somewhere...else, the wand rematerializes in mid-air and drops into the hand of a Craptin-chanting abbot. He and the others of his demonic order are arranged in a circle around a column of light that presently morphs into a holographic representation of The Doltine Psycho. "At last!" the abbot murmurs. "We have found him!" Um. DUN!? So early in the episode? This should be dull. The holographic lazy Susan upon which The Psycho's been placed spins until the little monster's been flung into the opening credits.
The gorgeous opening travelogue of fog writhing around the Golden Gate Bridge is brutally marred by some ovary groaning, "She. Must. Rinse. This all away. She. Canawallaoooo awahoo ahummina hummina." I really miss proper diction in popular music. The groaning ovary carries on endlessly in this unintelligible fashion as we cross-fade back to the Manor for a montage of Piper cuddling The Doltine Psycho for a bit before placing him back in his crib. She then crosses to the Boudoir's mantel to examine a framed photograph of herself with the Dolt in happier times. She reaches some silent conclusion and whips her head around to gaze protectively at the dozing Psycho for a bit until the camera cuts abruptly to Phoebe and Raige bursting through front door, arms laden with groceries. As Raige whines about a "neck spasm," Darryl and The Dazzling Sheila wander into the hallway with a few bags of their own. Hello, Sheila! She's so pretty. Almost as pretty as Chris. The Dazzling Sheila, showing far more concern for Raige's health than Phoebe does -- like, go figure -- asks if Raige is okay. "Yeah," Raige replies. "It just sometimes flares up under stress." As the four place their bags on the dining room table, The Dazzling Sheila notes, "With what you guys put up with, I'm surprised it doesn't flare up all the time." "It's not the demons," Raige assures her. "It's this birthday stuff -- especially Piper's. I always screw up the surprise, plus I have no idea what to get her, and obviously time is running out." Not so much, moron, when you realize Piper's birthday isn't until March 7th. Idiots. Darryl lugs food into the kitchen as Phoebe stows birthday paraphernalia in the sideboard, all the while insisting that Raige can just split the costs of the dinner with her. Raige, however, would rather avoid "jumping on [Phoebe's] bandwagon." The Dazzling Sheila passes some candles to Raige and opines that the "perfect present" for a new mother is a simple sit-down dinner with family and friends. Not so much, blurts the Feebs. "The perfect gift doesn't exist anymore," she claims, expositing that the perfect gift for Piper would be the charm bracelet their mother gave her, which Prue proceeded to lose. Yeah, blame the woman you had whacked. Hag.