Episode Report Card Gwen: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT John-a-Tronic And Richard-a-Licious
By Gwen | Season 4 | Episode 16 | Aired on 03.18.2001
Dammit...John is on screen, listening to Cassandra (Bernadette Peters) tell her sob story. She and her ex-husband had a prenuptial agreement stipulating that she'd forfeit all alimony and community property, except for $100,000, if she had an affair. So she had an affair. However, her husband had an affair, too. We're supposed to feel sorry for her because she's faced with losing her art studio, and because the man who seduced her had been hired to do so by her husband. John is so caught up in the gross unfairness of this tale that he ignores the ringing of what must be his cell phone. Cassandra is wearing a tiny crucifix pendant and showing a tiny bit of cleavage underneath that. Those Broadway chicks are experts at the tiny amounts of cleavage. Ever notice that? My heart bleeds as I consider the cruel hand that fate has dealt this tragic character. She signed the prenuptial agreement, then lived off her rich husband's money until she had an affair, and then only got a measly $100,000. And then...to find out that the man for whom she threw away all her alimony was only a sham lover... Oh, I'm just aching inside. A bit player walks up and bends over so that the camera can immortalize her not-tiny amount of cleavage while she tells John that he has a phone call. I wonder how much a person gets paid for that. I mean, there's probably a two-line bit-part rate for sure -- but is there an extra five bucks thrown in for the boobage?
John sits in Richard's cell, in his seersucker jacket over shiny blue shirt, and confers with his friend. Richard explains that he's found out Jane is a call girl, but that he didn't "fraternize" with her in any way. Later, at her own cell, Jane explains to John that she's actually an escort. She thought that Richard was the date she was supposed to meet by the pool. She only goes on dates -- she's "just an escort." She thought that Richard was "just a weird old guy who liked disco." John says he'll represent Jane if she tattles on her employer. She doesn't want to because her employer is also her agent, and she expects him to get her actual acting jobs in addition to escort ones. John says, "Blah, blah, blah," and the scene ends.
Sadly, it's only followed by another scene involving John. He has a drink with Cassandra and babbles about his hopes for the case. Cassandra reveals the sad fact that she's had to lease an apartment. She's had to "scale down a little." Hey, maybe she could get a job or something. Maybe Jane can hook her up in the field of escortology. John starts up his own hook-up -- the "Will you be my client and then hit on me after the case?" technique of his own design. He thinks he can have Cassandra's prenup declared void by reason of entrapment. "I'd be glad to take a whack at you," he says, then stutters and corrects, "...at it." Cassandra says, "Are you a good lover? Pokip, pokip, pokip...lawyer?" It was actually almost funny when she did it. John makes his "wow, I'm intrigued by people who make fun of disorders" face. Cassandra wants him to whack it. His nose whistles. Gimme a stick...I'll show you people some whacking.