Episode Report Card LuluBates: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Slip and fall and hurt my head
By LuluBates | Season 1 | Episode 12 | Aired on 02.12.2001
Cap'n EO has gone and made himself an appointment with his doctor. Seems he's been feeling things below the waistline -- sensations he doesn't understand. Oh, Cap'n. I feel exactly the same way! The doctor is poking the Cap'n's bare foot with what looks like a pastry cutter, but what I'm assuming is supposed to be some futuristic medical device. Good job there, props manager! Cap'n EO is busily trying to explain to the doctor that he has recovered some feeling, but the doctor is just as busily explaining that spinal nerve damage doesn't just get better. Well, thank you for that dose of reality, writers. How refreshing for it to pop up in this show, where feline DNA and Max saving the world in stiletto heels are just taken as par for the course! Moving on, the doctor proffers a theory as to Cap'n EO's recovery. Seems the Cap'n has undifferentiated stem cells floating around in his blood stream. How could this be? Stem cells, which can become any type of cell in the body, only show up in embryos in the first two or three weeks of development. Once again, how could this be? The doctor has no idea, but Cap'n EO certainly has a big ol' lightbulb hanging over his head. More interestingly, though, is James Cameron declaring a stance on the stem-cell-research issue burning a path through the halls of Congress? Is the King of the World a closet research advocate? Huh.
Anyway, back at the Halls of Justice, Max and the Cap'n are cozied up on the couch, and Max is rubbing EO's feet. Well, not rubbing so much as twisting his toes apart in order to cause pain. Doesn't that sound fun? The Cap'n shrieks like a girl, and Max looks interested. You know, I bet even in a depressed economy there's plenty of spare cash floating around for dominatrix services. And, as much as Max is supposed to be a super soldier, she kind of sucks at it -- don't you think she's more cut out for life as a dominatrix? She could really rake in the bucks. The Cap'n says that although he feels pain, the doctor says he's imagining it. Max opines that he's the one with the medical degree, so wouldn't he know? Yeah, Max? Duh. Cap'n EO says that he thinks the reason he is getting better is because of the blood transfusion Max gave him when he was in the hospital. Revved-up Manticore blood is the only possible answer. Well, either that's the answer, or the writers have a complete disregard for the laws of biology, neurology, and physiology. Max isn't surprised that her blood has a surplus of stem cells, because they were built to recover from injuries quickly, but she is surprised that Cap'n EO saw results after only one transfusion. They look at each other; Max finally catches the Cap'n's snap and they head into the other room. No, not for that, although the fact that they were all nestled on the couch and rubbing each other's feet was interesting. Are they dating or not? Oh, that's right, I don't care. At any rate, though, I don't let people rub my feet unless I know them really well. So the Cap'n and Max go into the next room to transfuse on the dining room table, and Cap'n EO, I hope that before you invite me to dinner you sanitize that there table. Do you think that if individual homes had to comply with health-department standards, they could do it? My mom has the dogs help clean the dishes, after all, and I don't think the health department would look too kindly on that. And the Cap'n's table-top transfusion? Probably a big no-no. So they're doing the transfusion by candlelight, and they stare deep into each other's eyes and then the blood starts flowing. And flowing. And flowing. Finally Max passes out. What the hell kind of friend is Cap'n EO to let Max pass out from donating so much blood? Where are the juice and cookies, Cap'n? I'm very disappointed.
Later, after the creepy credits and the annoying Radio Shack commercial, it turns out that the other stars of this episode are the South African Goon Squad. Just my luck. Damn that Mercury in retrograde, ruining my whole week. Anyway, let's just call them SAGS, shall we? So the SAGS are back. Do you care? I find this subplot so boring. Actually, I find this whole show boring, but this subplot especially so. I mean, watching Max get her ass kicked once is one thing, but these South African super suckers are actually worse than Lydecker. And my dog has more of a flair for drama. Back to your day jobs, fellows! Back! Back! The SAGS are saying goodbye to one of their own. I think it's the one that Max hit with the stun gun. He's dying, so the other SAGS and their handler are throwing a funeral pyre for him. I guess it's the best way to get the implant out. The other SAGS are concerned, because the soldier only lasted six months. Their handler had promised them at least a year. Oh, scratch that, he promised that they would be paid for a year, regardless of how long they lived. They knew the risks of the implants when they signed up, so it's not the handler's fault. Besides, if they want to live a long healthy life, all they need to do is find the Manticore girl. Seems they have a partial number off the pager; and they are working on getting the rest. It's taking awhile, because the number was erased and they have to do a quantum scan. That's a useless bit of information, but I guess the writers are trying to explain things a little better. Good effort! The SAGS figure that if they get the last number, they can eventually trace it to Max, which seems awfully optimistic. But anyway, who was that last number? OC, of course.