Episode Report Card Cate: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Kiss
By Cate | Season 5 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.04.2001
John walks into the Pad to find that Priscilla has totally redone it with a Japanese theme. This is reinforced by the vaguely Asian background music. You know, the place actually looks good for a change. I've always wanted to do a room of my apartment like that. The only thing holding me back is that all the decorating elements I'd need are so damn expensive. Hey, wait a second. Then how can Priscilla afford them? She's allegedly staying with John because she can't afford her own apartment. In fact, she and John are going against what John claims are their very strong beliefs that premarital cohabitation is evil. Well, of course, everyone knows that God hates premarital cohabitators. But He must really like Japanese-themed decor, if that's what Priscilla is spending her money on instead of saving to live a life free of premarital sin. Man, every once in a while I'm surprised anew by just how much this show sucks.
Next we get to see how Ruthie has been training the twins to call her "Mama." She rewards them with cookies. Creepy stalker Simon spies on her. The commercial break arrives none too soon.
Unfortunately, the next scene is more of that crap, with Annie and the twins in the kitchen. Annie has her back to the stairs and doesn't see Ruthie come into the room. When the twins starts mumbling, "Mama, Mama!" she gets all excited -- until she turns around and sees that they are reacting to Ruthie. Since Annie's horrifying misplaced guilt makes me want to vomit, I can't even begin to feel sorry for her. RevCam comes down and asks her if the twins are calling her "Mama" yet. She glares at him and walks away. He gets all passive-aggressive and tries to guilt her about not communicating with him. Nice. Happy doesn't want to be around him either, which is no surprise, given that he's an asshole. The twins are in their high chairs, so they can't escape. He gives them cookies, and they start calling him "Mama." That makes me smirk.
At the hospital, Dopey continues the proud Camden tradition of sulkiness by ignoring John. He continues the childish theme by pettily asking, "Did you have fun last night?" Then he bitches about Robbie.
At the high school, Lucy stops to talk to Elaina, who has a fairly mild case of acne. Lucy asks her if she knows Mike. Elaina replies, "I've seen him looking at me, but people tend to do that." Huh? Why? I mean, she's pretty ordinary-looking, really. Lucy presents her with the wonderful opportunity to date the controlling freak known as Mike Pierce. At first Elaina assumes that Lucy and Mike are playing a prank on her, but Lucy assures her they're not. Elaina is thrilled and says, "In my estimation, Mike Pierce is a real human being." And I'll bet one day he'll be a full-fledged member of the Promise Keepers too. Elaina starts listing Mike's charms, including his intelligence and his creativity. She doesn't mention the way he tries to control the women around him, though. Isn't that supposed to be a desirable quality in the 7th Heaven universe? Elaina is also thrilled by the way Mike has remained friends with Lucy after he stopped dating her. First, why is that such a great thing anyway? And second, wouldn't Lucy be at least half responsible for her friendship with Mike? Why does the fact that he's friends with Lucy earn him sainthood? Elaina says that of course she'll go out with Mike. She trots off, thinking of ways to please him, no doubt. Simon must have been creepily eavesdropping again, because he starts quizzing Lucy about Mike dating Elaina. Simon says something about Mike looking past physical appearances to date Elaina, and how this makes Simon respect him all the more. I start to gag uncontrollably, almost missing how Simon tries to make Lucy feel like shit for not dating Mike herself. My favourite line is when Simon says, "You're kidding yourself if you think there's another Mike Pierce on this planet." Simon even tells Lucy to "learn from [her] mistake and move on." My goodness, if only the women on the show could dispense unsolicited advice the way the men do! Of course, it could never be as wise as the men's advice, though. Lucy walks off, and Simon licks his lips, daydreaming about Mike Pierce.