Episode Report Card Omar G: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Big, Gay Cold Shoulder
By Omar G | Season 7 | Episode 20 | Aired on 05.15.2008
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Edward Teague's infatuation with monk's robes doesn't last long. Next thing we know, he's wearing regular clothes and flying Private Rich Person Airways alone to South America. Kara shows up, however, to rip the plane apart. He tells her that she can get information about Veritas from Lex. That's all she needs from him and it's goodbye Teague and his jet. Of course we know that Kara is under the control of Brainiac. Or, more accurately, she's Brainiac in disguise. Meanwhile, Lex keeps sending teams to the Arctic Circle that the 20-Sided Purple Die of Mapquest Magic pointed him toward and they keep disappearing. Kara/Brainiac goes after Lex, but finds that she can't touch the 20-Sided Die. Apparently, only a human like Lex can use it. So she tells Lex the identity of The Traveler (as well as revealing her own Kryptonian identity), hoping to spur him on to the Fortress of Solititude. Kara then goes after Chloe, who thinks a little chunk of Kryptonite is going to protect her. Not when it's Brainiac in there. Brainiac mind-melds with Chloe, sending her into a coma like Lana's. But he gets a little damage, too: Chloe's meteor-freak healing powers weaken him.
Brainiac goes to a power plant to recharge, but Clark is there waiting for him. Brainiac reveals that he sent Kara to the Phantom Zone. Clark kills Brainiac with electricity, which you'd figure would just charge him up. Clark's rationale is that Brainiac is a machine, not a man. Chloe is instantly out of Brainiac's grip, as is Lana. Clark and Lana forever, right? Not so fast: Lana leaves Clark a depressing video telling him that the world needs Clark more than she does, even though she desperately loves him. She asks that he not go looking for her. She cries. Clark cries. Lois, who happens to come in and see part of the video, cries too. She hugs Clark as they both cry and it's just a goddamned abomination of stupid.
Meanwhile, Lex is dealing with whiny Jimmy Olsen. Lex uses Jimmy to get Lois off his back by making her think he's up in the Arctic looking for oil reserves. Jimmy feels slimy lying to Lois, so he tells Lex he doesn't want to help anymore. This leads to government thugs coming after Chloe for all of her hacking just as Jimmy was trying to propose marriage to her with a toy ring. (Seriously. A toy ring.) Lex goes to the Fortress for a final confrontation with Clark. After speechifying about Clark not trusting him and how he's doing humanity a favor by killing off a threat, Lex puts the 20-Sided Die of Doom into an Ice Dildo Holder. It attacks Clark with a beam of energy, weakening him, and brings the Fortress crumbling down. The season ends with sheets of ice tumbling all around them.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!And here we've made it to the end of another season. It's been up, down, all around in quality. Am I the only one who thinks that the show suffered a major identity crisis this season? Maybe it was I who suffered the identity crisis, and the show just stayed its boring old self. Perhaps seven years is too long to observe a big, dumb alien continue to confound himself and disappoint the rest of us. An eighth season? Well, that's really pushing it, isn't it?
Anyhoo, after a mess of "Previously on..." clips, we hear Michael Rosenbaum tell us, "And now for the season finale of Smallville... and my LIBERATION! WOOOO!" The sun is just over the horizon, casting an orange glow as we see a small jet silhouetted in the sky. We cut to the inside of the plane, where in one of the windows, blue and orange light is flashing. We pull back to reveal that this isn't Lex's plane. We instead see Edward Teague, wearing normal clothing and taking a stiff drink in his seat. I bet it would be really comfortable to fly in monk's robes. It would almost make flying worthwhile. We can gather that Edward Teague is not a man who believes in comfort for comfort's sake. He is alone on the plane. From out of his tan coat pocket, he pulls a passport. A photo of him, still bald and none too happy, sits below the name "ALEJANDRO SANTO." Oh, señor! I had no idea you were gente! ¡Hórale! We see a set of legs walking toward Teague. They are attached to a bright red dress and some blonde hair. It's Kara! Holy crap! The job market must really suck on Krypton if she has to come back here and work for the airline industry. She's got on a flight-attendant-aping ascot. "Another secret identity, Mr. Teague?" she asks. "Excuse me?" he shoots back. The Intrusive Music of Some Bad Shit's About To Go Down starts to play. Kara leans in close and asks why people always go to South America when they're in big trouble. The plantains, maybe? The southernness? The fact that no matter how far south you go, it's still America? Teague pulls the Bad Customer Service card. He says that when he chartered this jet, he was promised that it would be discreet. Also, why hasn't the in-flight movie Made of Honor begun yet? He says he's not interested in having this conversation. Now bring me peanuts, lady. No, pretzels! I definitely want expensive private pretzels! Kara says she's not big on small-talk either. Woman, are you hitting on me? I don't think we're a mile high up yet, so it's not like we can technically join the club. Kara says she'd rather hear about Veritas. Oh, geez, not again. What more do we need to know? It was secret and now it's not secret and everybody's dead. The end. "Who are you?" he asks. Kara, leaning in way too close, says that she's someone who knows The Traveler and who knows that Teague tried to destroy him.