Episode Report Card Pamie: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Mercury's in What Now?
By Pamie | Season 2 | Episode 11 | Aired on 03.30.2002
Mel's opening curtains, blasting the bedroom in sunlight. She wants Lindsay to get out of her snotrag-covered bed. She's made breakfast in bed for Lindz. ["Breakfast in bed is a bad way to get someone out of bed, isn't it?" -- Wing Chun] French Toast with fresh strawberries, bacon crumbles and maple syrup, coffee with the good beans, and peaches peeled because the fuzz makes Lindsay's teeth itch. That's the best line in the entire episode. It's such a simple thing, but it shows how much the characters care for each other. See? It's not hard to do, high-school writers. Lindsay pouts, whines, moans, and asks why Mel's being so sweet to her. "I can't help it," Mel says. "Impulsive-adorable disorder." I vomit chicken nuggets and coffee all over my floor. Brian just walks in. Does he have a key to the house or something? He barks at the girls to get up. He tells them that they're getting married. "Huh?" Lindsay says as Brian tosses her off-screen. Lindsay gives out the fakest, stupidest scream ever to be shot in ADR.
Brian pulls up in his Jeep at the Pickle mansion. Emmett, Pickle, and two servants greet the ladies. Lindsay's hair is a fucking wreck, by the way. Emmett explains what's going on. Pickle and the girls meet, and Brian pushes the girls into the mansion for hair and makeup.
I wish I didn't have to recap this stupid statue subplot. Ted's decorating a table and tells Mikey he can't bring the ugly statue in that room. The statue is. Isn't. Is. Isn't. He paid for this. He'll pay him back. He thinks he's an idiot. He thinks he's a dickhead for making him feel like an idiot. Emmett tells the boys that nothing is worth losing their friendship over. Everyone feels bad and that's one to grow on. Next scene!
Mel is very smart and tells Debbie that she's going to do her own hair. Debbie tells Mel that she needs more "Bella Donna" and less "Bitchy Boochy." Mel says if Debbie's not careful, Mel will end up in a pony bra and lipliner. Brian walks in, and the girls squeal like he's the groom. Debbie has the following line: "Aren't you supposed to be off somewhere, sticking your...pena in some...colada?" Why bother with the pauses, Debbie? Are you prolonging the torture of this writing? Why would you do that to us? Why do they hate us this much, y'all? Brian says he needs a few minutes alone with the brides. Debbie leaves but says she needs to get back in there and get the girls ready soon.
Mel tells Brian that she heard he's the one responsible for this. Brian says that's a vicious rumor. He tosses a box at Lindsay. Inside are replicas of their missing wedding rings. It's that easy! They have all these lines to deliver about the rings without actually showing us the ring and it's awkward. Somehow Lindsay was able to read the inscription while she was walking and leaning and laughing and not looking at the rings. She kisses Brian, and Mel gives Brian a couple of punches to the arm to show him how cool she thinks he's being. Lindsay gives Mel a jerk of her head and Mel excuses herself to check on the sitter. Poor Gus, can't see Mommy marry Mommy. Lindsay takes this moment to put on her wedding gown. She asks if Brian's all packed for his trip. He is. She asks if he's excited. "My pecker's all a-twitter," he says. She has him help her into her dress. Yikes. It's like the prom dress Molly Ringwald made in Pretty in Pink. Linday can't believe that Debbie made that herself. I sure can. I'm just shocked that she could make something in just Lindsay's size in six hours. Just happened to have all that fabric lying around, too. "Isn't it amazing?" she asks. "Debbie just whipped it up. With the help of some mice and bluebirds." I had to turn on the closed captioning for that line because I couldn't believe those were the words she just spoke. I'm rethinking my B- rating on this episode. Brian says he's sorry he won't be there to see Lindsay glide down the aisle. She says she's sure he's going to have a fabulous time on his trip. She cracks that she and Brian are both going to be in white. "Just be careful," she says. Brian hands her two tickets. "It's your wedding present. All-expense-paid trip for two to Miami. Trade it in for a later flight." So they can do that, but he couldn't? And did he already get the tickets put into her name instead? Brian says he'll take care of Gus and they can have a honeymoon. Lindsay says that Brian doesn't even want to be at the wedding. Brian tells her to take the "fucking tickets." She won't. She says that it wouldn't be right for him to stay, "trapped in a hideous display of sentimentality." She tells him to go to Miami. "I want you to fuck lots of beautiful guys. No apologies. No regrets." And we're officially stuck in a Madonna song. This isn't dialogue; these are lyrics. "It's the best gift you could give me, knowing you're happy." Brian kisses Lindsay for a long time. He takes the tickets back and I guess calls the airline right away so he can still go. He walks out of the room. "I love you too, Brian," Lindsay says to the closed door.