Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT You've Ruined Me, Eddie
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 11 | Aired on 03.20.2011
I mean, in theory she's as bad as Frank obviously, but it's a lot funnier coming from Louise Fletcher than it is William H. Macy. Lip points out that two college students also died in that fire, and they get down to it. Grams, it turns out, hated Monica as much as the rest of us, and is not surprised that she fucked one of Frank's brothers. She'll give them contact info for all three, in exchange for a carton of cigarettes a week, the irony of life inside being that blow is easy but cigarettes are hard.
"Clayton, Jerry and my baby Wyatt. They're in the book. But don't bother with Wyatt, he lost his testicles in the Navy. And you tell Jerry that if he doesn't pay me back that five grand he stole, I'm going to send my ex-husband Ronnie over to gouge his eye out with a grapefruit spoon." Which is the point where I would be like, "Ian, you are right. Questions of paternity are not as important as the here and now."
Things about Jasmine you might not know: She is quite limber, thanks to her 24-Hour Fitness membership. Her quote "cookie box" is quote "all stretched out." She is however, at this very moment, doing her Kegels. She had three kids before making her husband Hal, quote, "snip his business." Her main issue with her marriage? Lack of passion.
Nothing gets a guy going like talking about your stretched-out cookie box, one might suppose, but one would be incorrect.
Jasmine: "Your dad still a drunk?"
Fiona: "Um."
Jasmine: "Mine, too. He's good at hiding it, though. Has to. He's in the Fire Department."
Fiona: "Oh."
Jasmine: "Before I met Hal, I was engaged to this guy Ralph. We fucked everywhere. I mean, one time we did it in the bathroom at a party!"
Fiona: (Unimpressed.)
Jasmine: "I like you, Miss Fiona. You're a dirty girl like me!"
I think it's safe to say that I am going to hate Jasmine. Stop trying so fucking hard. But also Fiona only has like one friend. Maybe Jasmine and V will get along and they can be like a Chicago version of those old ladies that talk about dick all the time. More likely, however, Veronica will hate her for exactly the right reasons, and Fiona will feel pressure, because I don't know if you've met my friend Fiona. So they talk about boys, whatever, it goes on and on, and Jasmine says, "Hold on to him, because guys like that get scooped up fast, and before you know it you're thirty and the good ones are all gone, and then you have to wait until they get divorced, but by then you'll be 45."
That is some bleak motherfuckerism. I had not thought about it like that. Anyway, she's gotta go, but first she plants one on Fiona. Fiona just sort of cocks her head like, "Well, wasn't that unexpected," with a funny little smirk, but Kev gets a boner and tells her about it, which ruins everything.
While Carl hits on a little girl nearby, Frank works his way into some kind of sewer job, and then right as they're agreeing on it -- and Debbie is getting more and more nervous about this grotesque plan -- something explodes and some dude underground is like burning to death. The only funny thing about this story is the total sadness that washes over Frank's face as he realizes he could have been down there. I mean, it's just so Frank: Putting more work in to scam money than you would actually just having a job. But I guess that's an addict thing too.
Tony has, of course, memorized the license plate number of Steve's Cayenne, so it's exciting when the owner, who is not Steve of course, calls it in as stolen. Tony gets more excited than you've ever seen him, and asks the partner not to call it in for a few hours, because what if this is the ticket to getting Fiona to love him, somehow? I don't know how that's supposed to work, but probably Tony will be a lot less cute by the end of this.
The next job spot is medical waste disposal -- "Blood-soaked bandages, contaminated needles, body parts" -- which is almost as exciting for Debbie as it is for Carl. Sadly, however, the man giving them the tour is a CDC-ordered compliance officer from OSHA, who has turned the place around. "Come on, I'll show you your workstation. AIDS needles!" he grins excitedly, but there is just the whistling sound of Frank getting the fuck on out of there.
Tony drops by to see Fiona, asking tiny questions about Steve and the house next door, and Fiona goes into major defensive mode. Things go from bad to worse as Tony asks why Steve even slums on the south side and Fiona's like, "That is an actual insult, see," and Tony realizes he has screwed up, and Fiona comes after him about how Steve is nice and Tony is apparently mean and whatever, finally kicks him out. It's all pretty rote. Immediately after she starts calling Steve over and over and over again, because Tony's sniffing, but Steve is nowhere to be found.
Next stop: Cabinetry refinishing and installation, using only the finest in non-green, poisonous chemicals. Somehow Frank -- a genius with just a wealth of information at his disposal, usually -- doesn't understand how carcinogens work, and thinks if he sniffs a can of paint or something it'll kill him. Debbie, on the other hand, knows that it's the safest option so far, and negotiates his position.
"Hi, I'm Karen Jackson. I mean, Daddyz Girl. This is my first web diary entry, and it's dedicated to my daddy. Eddie Jackson. Here he is on the left. You can visit him at the ITC on 126th where he works. My daddy and I recently went to a Purity Ball, where he asked me to confess my sexual sins, so that we can be closer. But when I did, guess what he did. He called me a whore. In front of a room full of people. A whore. Yelled it. So guess what, Daddy? I've got something for you."