Episode Report Card Kim: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Happy Birthday, Baby!
By Kim | Season 3 | Episode 18 | Aired on 04.21.2003
Rory wheels a giant dolly stacked high with soda down the street. Jackson interrupts to ask what she's doing. Rory explains that it's the soda for the party. Jackson tells Rory that she's thoughtless, and that she hurt Sookie's feelings. Rory is clueless, so Jackson explains that Rory never consulted Sookie about the giant pizza. Rory says that Sookie is an artist and pizza didn't seem to be her thing. Jackson says that Sookie is at home sobbing, which isn't unusual given her current hormonal state. Rory apologizes, and Jackson brings up the fact that she also didn't ask him to provide the vegetables for the pizza. Wouldn't that be Jon Polito's choice? And how many produce suppliers are there in Stars Hollow? You'd think Jackson would already be supplying the vegetables. Whatever. Jackson storms off in a huff, as Rory yells an apology. And that's about it for that storyline, which came out of nowhere and then ended up going nowhere.
Lorelai and Richard have their meeting. Lorelai gives him some more crap about the secretary thing. Richard says he has something for her, and places an envelope on the table. Lorelai starts to guess what it is, but Richard wisely ignores her and explains that when she was born, he celebrated by making a real estate investment in her name. Recently he found out that the government is building a road through the land, so it was sold and all of the investors will get a check. Lorelai realizes that she gets a check, so she picks up the envelope and rips it open. She's shocked to see that the check is for $75,000. She asks Richard for a pen, and figures out that she could buy one hundred fifty pairs of Jimmy Choo shoes. Richard is shocked that the shoes are that expensive, and tells her to shop around first. Lorelai asks if the money is "some kind of gift," because she would have to refuse it. Richard says that he made the investment in her name, and that he's legally obligated to give her the money. Lorelai is psyched. As anyone would be. I don't really get why Lorelai, who has always been so loath to take money from her parents, wouldn't at least insist that her dad take out his own initial investment, but whatever.
Rory and Lorelai sit at home, wearing party hats, eating a giant bowl of something, and discussing how to spend the money. Lorelai thinks they should buy a boat, because that's something rich people have. Rory says they could park it in the front yard, and Lorelai says that would make them rich white trash. Or they could pay off their mortgage. That was my idea, not theirs. I'm so boring. Rory and Lorelai discuss how they won't have to scrimp and save anymore. They won't? It's not that much money. Especially after taxes. Lorelai says she feels rich, and is suddenly in complete agreement with everything Bush has to say. The phone rings, and Lorelai is sure that the call has to do with Rory's secret birthday plans. Rory says, "Not everything is about you." Is this her first episode? Lorelai insists that it is about her. Rory takes the call in her room. Jon Polito says they did a trial run on the pizza and that Kirk "built a pizza rack on top of his car." But then the pizza collapsed and "Kirk has got some severe cheese burns." Rory asks if Kirk's okay, and the shot of Jon Polito widens to reveal Kirk, on a gurney, with his arms and legs being bandaged by EMTs. Jon Polito says that the point is that the pizza might need to be both cheeseless and sauceless. Rory is unhappy and points out that the problem might be Kirk, and not the pizza. Rory insists on both cheese and sauce. Jon Polito says she'll need to provide the transportation herself, and Rory agrees and hangs up. Lorelai pops her head in and Rory lies that she was talking to a classmate we've never heard of.
Jess walks into Luke's apartment like Eminem in 8 Mile with the hoodie and all. Luke has been waiting for him, and offers to make some sandwiches for Jess's date with Rory. Jess refuses in the snittiest tone possible, and I think Luke should just stab him in the head. I hate Jess! Jess then proceeds to dis the fact that Wal-Mart sells sanitized versions of CDs, like there are about forty-five other small businesses in Stars Hollow so why not work somewhere else if Wal-Mart offends you so much, pinko? See what Jess does to me? I hate Wal-Mart's policy, but now Jess has forced me to align with them. Luke tries to bring up Jess's situation, and how busy he is. Jess puts some crap in his hair and Luke is so distracted that he asks, "You ever worry that if a bird flies into your head, it might never get out again?" Hee! Luke offers to make things easier for Jess by giving him a raise at the diner and helping out with his car insurance. What has Jess done to deserve that? Jess is suspicious and Luke says that Jess could quit his job at Wal-Mart, and have more time to spend with Rory and at school. Jess insists that he's fine. Luke urges Jess to take the deal, but Jess won't, so Luke yells that he knows Jess isn't going to school. Jess says that he goes enough, and that "it's public school" so his "history teacher is also the football coach." As someone whose father was a public-school history teacher who also coached football (among other sports), fuck off, Jess. I'm sorry you're too smart for school. Luke reminds Jess of their deal, and Jess insists that he has it all under control and leaves.