Early in the morning of September 25, Kiefer Sutherland was arrested in Los Angeles and spent the night in jail for driving under the influence of alcohol. This is bad. It was his second arrest for the same offense, the first one occurring in 2004. This is worse. Under the terms of the five-year probation he agreed to serve as part of the earlier conviction, this new arrest may mean he has to spend up to a year in jail. For 24 and its network, Fox, this is potentially disastrous.
Naturally, executives at Fox, Imagine, and Real Time Productions have been brainstorming around the clock, coming up with ideas to deal with every possible contingency. Several undercover TWoP-eratives were able to succeed in smuggling notes from these meetings back to our headquarters. Unfortunately, they were caught and are currently being tortured with hotel-room lamps and plastic bags. Also, a rather stinky bowling bag was delivered by courier to 30 Rockefeller Plaza this morning and we're kind of afraid to open it.
But read the following, and their sacrifice will not have been in vain.
PRIORITY ONE: Keep Kiefer out of jail.
Hire Nicole Richie's lawyer, because, damn.
For sentencing, try to get a right-wing judge who is a total hardliner on the rule of law, a stickler with no patience for criminals whatsoever, who gives the maximum sentence every time. Someone like that can probably be counted on to cut 24 a break.
Failing that, offer the judge a walk-on on 24.
Offer the judge his or her own syndicated daily TV show.
Offer the judge his or her own primetime show.
Offer to put said show on in place of Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?
If applicable, offer to arrange for the judge's child to be a finalist on this season's American Idol. After all, nobody suspected a thing last year with Sanjaya.
If none of the above works, have [Fox News chief] Roger [Ailes] sic [Bill] O'Reilly on the judge.
CONTINGENCY PLAN #1: Continue production with Kiefer while he is in jail.
Produce several crossover episodes with Prison Break.
Swap concepts with Prison Break.
Hold Prison Break down and cut off its toes; this is our yard now, Fish.
Record Kiefer's dialogue in voice-over only and then play it off like he's driving around in vehicles that we'll only show from the exterior. NOTE: Remember to gouge Toyota for the extra product placement.
Possible story idea: Since we've been moving away from torture anyway, Jack can now start coercing information from suspects by forcing them into a car and then driving them up and down Santa Monica Boulevard.
Shoot scenes in prison. Write a plot in which Jack impersonates an inmate and foments a prison riot. IDEAL -- this is the only storyline from a previous season that hasn't been recycled yet.
CONTINGENCY PLAN #2: Postpone production until Kiefer's release.
Shoot all scenes except Kiefer's during his sentence, then shoot his upon his release. Resist temptation to shoot Kiefer.
URGENT: Ensure that writing staff does not use extra time to plan out the full season in advance. Provide some distraction -- send on vacation, assign PSA projects, or frame for drunk driving. Better yet, simply fire writers.
Put off premiere of Season 7 until the day before the premiere of Season 8, then run all twenty-four episodes consecutively in one day. BONUS: That wise-ass lefty dickhead recapper at Television Without Pity dot com will never survive.
CONTINGENCY PLAN #3: Continue production without Kiefer.
Recast part of Jack Bauer. Possible candidates: Ricky Schroder, Kevin Bacon, Lou Diamond Phillips, Dominic Monahgan (available!), Mark-Paul Gosselaar, James Van Der Beek, that Christmas tree.
Write Jack Bauer out of the season and give the lead to an existing character. But who? Buchanan too old. Doyle too blind. Morris too British. Wayne too dumb. Everyone else too dead. Chloe too awkward, plus has baby now and also a vagina.
Create new lead character who is just as capable of single-handedly saving the world. Where's he been the last six seasons? Brainstorm further. Note: NOT prison.
Abandon real-time format in favor of time-travel format; paste together season using footage from Stand By Me, The Lost Boys, Young Guns, Bright Lights, Big City, 1969, et. al.
CONTINGENCY PLAN #4: Cancel 24.
Yeah, right. Good one.