Episode Report Card 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT How To Make A Quilt Out Of Americans
By Owen | Season 2 | Episode 17 | Aired on June 2, 2000
Before we begin, a big wet sloppy shout-out to all of the posters on the show's boards who've contributed such intelligent, perceptive, topical posts lately. To paraphrase Shannen Doherty, it just doesn't "git" "inny" (tm jenni) better than this. I think y'all hung the moon.
A stone mansion with a circular driveway and fountain out front. Night. Cut to three elderly women holding hands and chanting in the basement. From the sounds of it, they're trying to summon "the demon Kryto," who we're going to call Cheeto for obvious reasons once y'all grasp the cheezy, deep-fried heinousness of this week's story. The trio of oldsters consists of a cauliflowerhead who I recognize from many other movies and TV shows but consider an "Ew, It's that Guy" instead of a Fametracker "Hey, It's that Guy" because of her lack of talent. There's also a redhead who I spot as the ballet-school secretary who cheered Jennifer Beals's body double on at the end of Flashdance, and a brunette old lady who might have been in that recent commercial where the young women on the chaise lounges age decades from waiting for their friend to make frozen cocktails and end up as shriveled harridans who whine, "Are they ready yet? Are they ready yet?" But I might be wrong. Anyway, Cauliflowerhead coughs in mid-chant. Redhead asks if she's okay. Cauliflowerhead bitches at her to keep chanting. Brunette groans, in a Sylvia Sidney rasp, that they've been chanting for fifteen minutes. Redhead, who's called Helen, harshes to Brunette, who's name is Amanda, that "it's a séance, not [a long-distance provider product placement]." So the three keep chanting, chanting, chanting. Finally, from the middle of their circle, dry ice is blown up their skirts. A demon cloud that takes the form of the disembodied head of Michael Jackson (if only!) demands to know, "WHO SUMMONED ME?" The old ladies are humbled by Cheeto's presence. He wants to know what they want. Cauliflowerhead, whose name is Gail, wants what "only he can give: youth, beauty, health." And also for him to stop blowing smoke up their asses, I guess. Cheeto wants to know what's in it for him. The old ladies will make him "whole again." Cheeto wants some "powers" too. Gail thinks that's do-able, and recites the Charmed Ones' powers for him. As Cheeto's cloud head seeps back into the floorboards, he agrees to the deal; in exchange, they'll have their youth. After his departure, Helen complains to Gail about "promising something we can't get. Won't it make him angry?" Gail declares, "I'll get the powers. I have to. I'm not ready to die." She tells her friends that she's leaving, and orders them to have "[their] quilt finished by tomorrow night."
Halliwell Manor. The Flute of Whimsy plays the Afterschool Special introduction-to-a-dilemma ditty. Cut to a blurry POV shot of an open book. Phoebe "Miss Magoo" Halliwell is trying to read while sitting on her bed. Pheebs sighs as she opens an eyeglasses case, puts on a rather fetching pair of frames, and checks out her visage in the dresser mirror. She groans and puts the glasses away, when it's really the butterfly halter top and the Cindy Brady pigtails that she really should be rethinking. Someone knocks on her door. It's Prue "Phoning It In" Halliwell, in a normal-looking white tank top and print skirt, reminding Pheebs to make an appointment with the optometrist. Phoebe whines that she doesn't need glasses. Prue says, "This might help," and pokes in Phoebe's eyeballs, a la The Three Stooges. Actually, she just passive-aggressively points out that Pheebs has the book in front of her upside down. Phoebe: "Unrelated." That one's too easy, so both Owen and Prue pass. She changes the subject by asking for Phoebe's help, because their other sibling is downstairs "throwing out her boots. The tan ones." Phoebe grasps why this is an emergency and the lazy Ps book out of the room. THE HELL?
Kitchen. Pi "Pert Plus" Halliwell is picking up some construction boots with the tips of her fingers like they're someone else's used Kleenex, and putting them in a shopping bag. The lazy Ps enter the room to perform an intervention. Phoebe, with her hands on her hips: "Piper! What are you doing! Those are your favorite boots!" Piper, in a Ling-from-Ally McBeal ponytail and an ugly short-sleeved foil mock-turtleneck, bitches that she "got demon blood on them from one of [their] vanquishings." She can't really explain that to the shoe repair guy, can she? Piper adds disgustedly that it's the "third damn pair" she's ruined this month.
Sidebar. Whatever! For one thing, demon blood? When have we ever seen a demon bleed during a recent vanquishing on this show? (And we know that Warlocks don't bleed.) Once again, I fear that a Halliwell is deluding herself into believing she's on Buffy again. For another thing, they're CONSTRUCTION BOOTS! And they look like cheap Payless-bought ones! I can name several outfitters that charge clueless yuppies an extra forty or fifty bucks to pre-distress a pair of boots like the ones Piper's tossing out! What are these shoes, Pip