Episode Report Card 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT Imaginary Fiends
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 20 | Aired on May 7, 2005
Previously on Are You Ready For An Eighth Season? I Said, ARE YOU READY FOR AN EIGHTH SEASON?, Piper chatted with Raige about the recent changes in the Dolt's life, the Dolt whined to Piper about the recent changes in his life, the Glamorous Ladies gave the whiny and recently changed Dolt Not!warts to run, Phoebe decided to purchase a graduate degree for herself, and Raige was briefly beset by the Dental Drill Of Dreadful Discord before she had a little tête-à-tête with Elizabeth Dennehy atop the Golden Gate Bridge.
Currently on And Great Was The Wailing And Gnashing Of Teeth Across The Land, we fade up on the Manor's two cordless phones lying on the table up in the nonexistent attic while, in the background, Raige flicks a pinch of something or other into the copper potions pot, receives a sparkly yet noxious cloud of smoke in her kisser for her troubles, and swears. "Keep it down!" Piper chides, sashaying into the nonexistent room from the upper stairs. "I just got [poor, neglected, and doomed Tiny Gay] Chris to sleep." "WELL, IF YOU WERE HERE TO HELP ME, THAT WOULD MAYBE, YOU KNOW, HELP," the ever cooperative Raige blares. Shut up, Raige. Piper resists the urge to backhand Raige to the other side of the attic and instead asks for the phone, as she wants to call the dead-eyed, bemulleted Psycho's preschool to make sure her tiny serial killer hasn't taken it upon himself to eviscerate randomly selected groups of his ankle-biting peers yet. Or something like that. Muggy McGowan flaps her arms around in the air and makes yappy noises about the Psycho being safe and sound at Not!warts. Piper patiently reminds her lippy bastard of a half-sister that they informed Raige about the Psycho attending a regular preschool last week. "You didn't tell me that!" Mugs insists before allowing her face to crinkle into a grimace of self-doubt. "Did you?" Piper's all, "Um, yeah, you scatterbrained dumbass, and you said you were worried about him using magic in public." "And what'd you say?" Muggy, like, hunchbacks. Seriously, she drops one shoulder towards the floor, pushes the other one up and over her chest, and nearly squints her right eye shut while goggling with her left. She looks like Peter Lorre the morning after a weeklong cocaine binge in Ensenada. In ropy slutwear. You know, of the three leads on this damned, unkillable show, she really is the one I'm worried about in light of the renewal. I mean, if she's this twitchy now, by this time next year she'll be lurching uncontrollably around the set with an IV of L-Dopa running out of her arm. "I said," Piper drones, clearly irritated at the expository turn the conversation has taken, "I was worried about him having a normal life." Raige takes this opportunity to bitch about her charges, but Piper cares as little about that bullshit as I do and powers around the table to snatch up one of the handsets. "No using the phone!" Raige demands. "I'm trying to prevent a demon attack!" There has been a spate of those recently, you see, and Raige explains that, while each of the recent intruders has displayed different powers, indicating they've likely been of various demonic species, they have all attacked shortly after the phone rang, for some certain-to-be-compelling reason. "No, they don't," Piper disputes. "Phoebe called earlier, and nothing happened." Muggy wrinkles her entire head in despair as her "New Zealand charge" rings her Whitelightery bell, just as one of the cordlesses on the table goes off and I race into the kitchen to slam my head repeatedly with the oven door over the sheer stupidity of it all. It's a lot of clanging going on at the same time, is what I'm saying