Episode Report Card Aaron: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sister? But I just kissed her!
By Aaron | Season 1 | Episode 11 | Aired on 11.22.2003
Cut to later, as Ben walks outside. He immediately runs into a little boy who has an exact replica of Creepy Ugly Naked Tattooed Guy's tree tattoos painted onto his chest and back. Needless to say, I've already decided to call this kid the "Tattoo-Wearing Adorable Tyke." Because Ben is dumber than a chicken chimichanga, he doesn't even manage to say a single word to the kid, and just watches in shock as the Tattoo-Wearing Adorable Tyke takes off running. We also soon see that a gang of turban-wearing, machete-wielding townspeople is chasing the kid down the street, just like in Ben's dreams. Now put yourself in Ben's place for a moment, and think about what you might do in a similar situation. And then sit back and marvel at what Ben chooses to do instead. Does he chase after them? No. Does he go back inside and ask the bartender what all this might mean? Nope. Does even a single thought make its way across the mud-encrusted neurons of his severely underdeveloped occipital lobe? Of course not. He's Ben. Which means that what he actually does is just stand there drooling and muttering that he's an excellent driver until a horde of local kids surround him and start tugging at his clothes. Then he breaks into a passable rendition of "Beat It," and invites the youngest of them back to his trailer. No, not really. He does tell the kids to beat it, however, even if they don't seem to understand a word that he's saying. Finally, an elderly woman comes over and explains that the kids are crying for Ben's "loss," which makes even less sense than my Michael Jackson explanation. She shoos the kids away, and then pulls a slice of bread out of her basket and offers it to Ben. "Pan de los muertos," she explains. "Even the dead must eat." Ben doesn't know what any of those words mean (including, "dead," "eat," and "the"), so he just stares at her. "Flores!" she suddenly shouts. "Flores para los muertos! LOS MUERTOS!" Heh. And as dumb as Randy Quaid was in that movie, he's still ten times the genius Ben will ever be. The old woman finally leaves to make her way back to the alleys surrounding JFK airport, and Ben turns to see a large float coming down the street, with the Tattoo-Wearing Adorable Tyke seated on a throne in the center.
Ben eventually manages to tear his eyes away from the float, which is when he notices a nearby church adorned with a brightly lit, Templar-esque cross. He heads inside, and I'm pretty sure it's the exact same church that was used in Vampires, Shanghai Noon, and pretty much every other movie, TV show, commercial, home video, or Paris Hilton sex tape that features a southwestern-looking church. He wanders the aisles for a moment, perhaps scanning the walls for informative murals or razorblade dispensers, and then notices a man emerging from a nearby confessional. He heads inside, and sits down. Sharp-eyed viewers will immediately recognize that the "priest" is actually Hack Scudder, but Ben can't even spell "Hack," much less recognize his own father through a paper-thin wicker divider, so the secret remains safe for the moment. Scudder's first words? "Kneel, my son." Yeah. This show scares me sometimes. Ben complies, and Scudder continues the ritual by asking how long it's been since his last confession. "I never done this before," answers Ben, which is a phrase he's been getting a lot of use out of in these past two episodes. Scudder instructs him to confess his sins, so that they may be forgiven. "By you?" asks Ben (which will factor into my own personal bizarre Carnivàle conspiracy theory in a moment). "In the eyes of the Lord," comes the answer. "He can't make it right," sighs Ben. "I killed a man." "Yes," replies Scudder without even a hint of surprise, which would have been more than enough to tip off anyone who could actually be considered sentient that something here just ain't right. Ben, however, is Ben, so he just continues with a litany of sins: "I done impure things with a woman I wasn't married to. I lied. I stole. I stunk…" This is followed by a long pause. "I let her die," Ben finally admits. "Your mother chose to die," says Scudder, and it's this that finally causes Ben to get curious. But instead of saying anything, or asking a question, or even peering more closely through the screen separating them, Ben decides to go all the way out of his booth and open the door to the other side. When he does, however, Scudder is obviously already long gone. Ben just stands there (sing it with me now), looking stupid. Fade to black.