Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sex, Lies, And Second Thoughts
By Gwen | Season 4 | Episode 1 | Aired on 10.22.2000
Ally shows up at Brian's office and gives him back his ring. He asks if they're breaking up altogether and she nods. He warns her not to say something insipid under penalty of his vomiting. Ally sees herself getting tired of him after a while, so she won't move in with him or date him anymore. He says that she's waiting for Prince Charming to swoop in and help her act out some stupid childhood fantasy. "Please don't yell at me," she mumbles. "I'm the one getting hurt here. I'll yell. What the hell have we been doing for six months? Why have you been with me?" he demands. You go, Brian! Ally babbles about what a nice guy he is. He just nods and says, "This is what I get for dating someone with the emotional IQ of a teenager." Yeah, good point. Then he tells her, "Get the hell out of here." She stutters a bit and he tells her again. After she leaves, he does the sad chin-in-hand thing. Good riddance, I say.
John lays it on the line for the jury. He says that Mr. Keebler is the good-looking broke guy who used Maureen, the plain, fat, rich girl. The overweight judge furrows her brow. John says that men crave sex and "that's why the penis is shaped like a compass dial." Oh, man, shut up. The defense attorney argues that it's not wrong to marry for money, but even if it were, Wayne Keebler would "still pass the test" because he loved Maureen. "Two people who can laugh together -- that's somethin', huh?" he asks. John drops a jar of beans or something on his table and annoys the judge. I say Maureen should lose her case because she's old enough to have watched enough David E. Kelley productions to know that fat chicks don't deserve sex. QED.
An overhead camera shows us Ally McBeal on a Unisex toilet. Her voice-over is telling us that she likes to think there because "it's the right depository for most of [her] thoughts." Suddenly, Larry opens the stall door. Ally jumps up and bangs on the walls and then falls down. "I should have knocked," says Larry. She asks why he's there, and he says he was worried about her. "If you were a decent therapist, you wouldn't be able to make house calls," she tells him, walking to the sink. Larry laughs and says that he's not a therapist, he's a lawyer. He tells her that it says so right on the new sign on his office door. Okay, let me get this straight. Tracy's old office was in the same building as Fish & Cage? Is that it? Or did Larry the Lawyer follow Ally all the way to the building, into the Unisex? No, I'm guessing that his office is suddenly conveniently close to hers. The better to develop a love interest with, my dear. Or something. So the next mystery to solve is why in the world Larry put up with all of Ally's complaining. She wants to know, too. He says she seemed like she needed to talk. As a lawyer, he didn't want to see her "settle" (ha, ha) for the wrong relationship. After explaining this not at all to my satisfaction, Larry steps very close to Ally and says that maybe he'll see her in court one day. Like maybe one day next week, right? They shake hands and then he KISSES her CHEEK. Gross. Somebody, bottle the pheromones she stole and then sell them to me.