Episode Report Card Couch Baron: B+ | 4 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Melrose Law
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 6 | Aired on 11.01.2004
Okay, I need to take a break here. Remember those commercials from the '70s with the Native American shedding a single tear at the destruction of the land? I was like that just now. Then I started thinking about the economy, and the deficit, and our foreign policy, and the rights of women and minorities, and the Supreme Court, and the single tear found a lot of company. George W. Bush, you owe me a new keyboard.
A long time ago, there used to be a theme song.
Some geek (Corny, I think) unveils a colorful "Give Me Wanda" poster. Eh. Veronica sits with Wanda and interviews her. Wanda babbles about class warfare and haves and have-nots. I'd be fine if I could not have the outfit she's wearing. Red fishnets with a twee red belt and yellow-and-black-checked skirt? Wars have been fought over less. She spews forth rhetoric about how the Pirate Points are just another way the rich kids keep them down: "It's time to take action!" Veronica's impressed. Well, we're all vulnerable some days. Like today, for instance.
Logan pulls into a gas station. Three of his idiot friends go into the mini-market as he gasses up. Some friendly dude of color starts cleaning his windshield. Logan tells him he won't pay him, but the guy points to a sign that says, "Homeless Vet: Donations Accepted." And I could make a comment, but I think I'll just settle for a nice deep sigh. At least then I'll be remembering to breathe. One of Logan's cronies -- who looks like an ugly teenaged Owen Wilson -- returns, and he and Logan eye the guy speculatively. Logan asks him if he was Army, but the answer is no, Marines. After a couple more questions, the four kids get in the SUV, and Logan tells the dude that he's putting together an amateur boxing night. He holds out a hundred-dollar bill and tells the guy he wants him to win. The dude asks Logan if he really thinks he can just up and buy him like that: "Is that how it is?" Logan tells him that's exactly how it is. The guy's tone gets threatening as he refuses, but that doesn't stop Logan from derogatorily imitating the guy squeegeeing before he drives off. Man, Logan's so smug that I'd love to see someone kick his ass. Although an ass-kicking from someone who didn't sire him might be a little more satisfying and a lot less disturbing.
Some girl is chirpily explaining why she'd be a good president. Honey, you're no Reese Witherspoon, I tell you what. Some Goth dude says that Wanda's going to win going away, and that Logan can kiss his precious Pirate Points goodbye. On cue, an ad comes up showing Duncan's name against a backdrop of the American flag. Haaron's voice intones, "Duncan Kane. A natural leader." Duncan's shocked. Hee, but to run for office, don't you have to collect petitions and hand them in yourself or something? Maybe Logan cashed in some Pirate Points for this. Haaron lists Duncan's achievements -- soccer, editor of the paper, 3.924 GPA. Dude, if all that's true, Duncan could walk into any university in the country right now. In fact, he could cause a slap fight between admissions officers from Harvard and Yale. And then he'd go to Princeton. Why are you looking at me like that? Haaron goes on to say that Duncan's a National Merit semifinalist, "and all-around righteous dude!" Hee. Haaron appears on the screen, saying that he's known Duncan for a long time, and that Duncan's the real deal. He finishes, "Duncan Kane for student-body president." He doesn't add, "I'm a stinking rich motherfucker, and I approve this message." The ad gets some decent applause from the class. Miss Dent tells them that that's the last of the five candidates, as M,M,M! enters and hands Miss Dent a list. She wishes Duncan good luck, and leaves as Veronica gives her a look baleful enough to melt the makeup right off her face. And as I said before, it's an awful lot of makeup. Miss Dent distributes the ballots right there, and writes the candidates' names on the board as she says that if there's no majority, the top two finishers will compete in a runoff. Well, that's silly. I can't think of any election where that would have changed anything. Of course, due to some recent head trauma my memory only goes back three years, but what difference is that likely to make? Duncan begs Logan not to vote for him. Logan: "Did you hear that, folks? He's humble to boot!" Hee. Veronica obliges him, and votes for Wanda. Oh, Veronica. A vote for Wanda is a vote for change. But I like the way you dress just fine now.