Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT There's Glass Between Us
By Jacob Clifton | Season 2 | Episode 5 | Aired on 04.19.2010
OMG O'Hara totally does have a girlfriend! Man, she gets all the hot ass. Speak of the devil, Sam tries to grab her coming into the hospital, but she brushes him off. "Quick and painless," she says, and Jackie points out that it's already not painless. "Well, then here's to quick." They don't look back.
Zoey's eating some kind of Homer Simpson donut and moaning while she works; scooting across the station when Thor informs her that she is hated. "Not that I'd wish diabetes on any of you, but look at the shit I have to eat. Wasa bread?" Zoey, of course, loves Wasa bread, which Thor hilariously says proves his point: Wasa bread, much like diabetes, is unglamorous in the extreme. And then because this show has taken the adorable stand of educating us a little bit on the overlooked but quite serious bullshit that diabetes represents, we talk about some famous diabetics.
Mary Tyler Moore? "Yeah, but her glamour comes more from her business acumen. And alcoholism. Big diff." Jackie will allow it. Halle Berry? Sam appears: "I'm not a big baby person, but have you seen her kid? Her kid is like gorgeous." I wish they would keep talking about this forever, famous diabetics. I love conversations like this. Jackie, of course, manages to leave the second Sam's talking as though she's on her way to grab a pitchfork, and Zoey groans audibly as she sits down. Thor asks her if she's okay -- remember the pregnancy scare -- and she's like, "What have you heard?"
Gloria suddenly appears, to inform everybody that Miguel from Admitting is going to be living in the Pill-O-Matix station from now on, until they figure out who's stealing all the drugs. Jackie, instantly terrified to the point that her hair stands on end, flips into brilliant manipulator mode and points out that you need ID for the Pharmacy, but "any nutjob can walk into Admitting," so she's rearranging security in a way that Jackie finds to be the stupidest thing she's ever heard in her entire life. There's just enough firmness behind her tone that you can almost believe her.
"Tell your nurses to keep their noses out of the Oxy. How about that?" Seriously, that's what I would say too. Jackie leans in and says quietly, "You are making things worse." For me! Thor offers Zoey some diabetes bread and she disdainfully pulls her donut back out of the garbage, where I guess she stowed it so Gloria wouldn't yell at her about eating near the urine or whatever. I love how for Zoey this is the glamour choice.
Well, wouldn't you know Jackie's couch-back started acting up the second Gloria installed a guy in the Pharmacy room. Do you think she even knows how easily that happens? Eleanor gives her the offered Percocet.
Lenny brings in a bunch of construction workers, one of whom fell off a second-story scaffolding: "No habla, any of 'em." They get him on the table, and Lenny tells Zoey how nice she looks, even mentioning her "glow." She whispers at him to shut up, and then finds a gun in the guy's pocket. Predictably, she freaks out, and Jackie with both hands tied behind her back cuts the entire pocket out of the guy's jeans in one second, holding it up and away. "Jackie Peyton, armed and dangerous," slimes Coop, and she's like, "Do not tempt me."
So now she needs security, and where is he? Pharmacy, of course. She heads on in there and kicks the guy awake before handing it off and calling Kevin. Her voicemail is awesome: "I thought the worst thing about sleeping on the couch would be how it fucks up my back, but I was wrong. It was waking up without you next to me. So... There. Call me back."
Back to construction guy, who is "squishy," per Zoey, and needs stitches. Grosssssss. Gloria shoves into the room and pow-pow-pow rattles off procedure regarding the found gun, including cuffing him to the bed if he doesn't have proof of registration. Coop, Zoey and Jackie adorably chime in about how the guy is completely unconscious, but of course Akalitus doesn't see the connection. Just do it. She drags Coop away for one of their paint-peelingly awful conversations.
Coop shoots Jackie a compliment first up, in Gloria's office, about how occasionally she rises to the occasion -- "when there's like a gun or something" -- but doesn't get to say his "but," because Gloria doesn't want to talk about Jackie. I love talking about Jackie -- and I think I would love talking to Coop because he is sort of mindlessly goofy, like a cartoon shark in a movie -- but I can't see myself living through a conversation with Coop about Jackie. "You're a very good-looking man, Dr. Cooper."
See? Awful. Already hilarious and awful.