When I tell people I had no idea who Alyssa Milano was prior to beginning my stint recapping Charmed, they start looking for the crack pipe I must be hiding somewhere on my person. "Get over yourself," they say. "You trying to tell us you never watched Who's the Boss? You never saw Commando? Not even Poison Ivy 2?" Well, that would be "No," "Not in this lifetime, pallie," and "You must be the one on crack, loser."
Alyssa Milano, as everyone who isn't me already knows, became a nationally-recognized television presence as a result of Who's the Boss?, the first of a string of family-friendly sitcoms headed by a post-Taxi Tony Danza. The first season of this show aired my junior year in high school, when I was far more interested in such family-unfriendly activities as attending underage Friday night keggers, so I missed Milano's national debut as Danza's precocious spawn, Samantha. Since that time, Milano has, um, blossomed into fantasy material for an entire generation of teenaged boys, twenty- and thirtysomething teenaged-boys-at-heart (or groin), and a considerable number of lesbians. I suppose it was inevitable she would rate her very own For Him Magazine feature. However, with her cover appearance in the January-February issue coming so hard on the heels of last month's grueling interview with her Charmed co-star, Shannen Doherty, I wasn't sure I'd be able to endure so soon another sniggering bit of the sort of masturbation fodder in which this magazine seems to specialize.
The cover of the issue itself is appropriately unpromising. "24-Karat Gold!" the headline screams. "Alyssa Milano," it continues, "Made from the stuff that drives men crazy." This of course leads me to believe that Alyssa is composed of equal parts liquid mercury, lead-based paint chips, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. The cover photograph does little to dispel my general sense of unease about the entire endeavor. Milano has been styled as a retro-'70s beach slut, heavy on the lip gloss, light on the good taste. She's clad in a strappy gold lamé midriff-baring top with matching bikini bottoms, large gold hoop earrings, a faux navel piercing, and, slung low on her hips, a matching metal chain the photo credits assure me is a "vintage belt from Fred Leighton." Bronzed, waxed, and toned, she looks even more like Andrew Keegan in drag than I had previously thought possible.
This time around, I actually page through the issue before attacking the Milano interview. My better instincts scream at me for a while, then stop shouting to light a round of cigarettes and, in protest, switch to Gone With the Wind on Turner Classic Movies to wait for my apology. Long before Vivien Leigh can pout out, "War, war, war -- this war talk's spoiling all the fun at every party this spring" to the Tarleton twins, my better instincts have received that apology. In spades.
The Good, if it can be called that, consists of the following bit from a brief chat with Sasha Alexander: "A role on the short-lived ABC series Wasteland [led to] her current endeavor: pretending not to be distracted by James Van Der Beek's massive forehead on Dawson's Creek." There can never be enough James Van Der Beek jokes, people, derivative though they may be. ["Yeah, really. Where's my check?" -- Sars] Moving on to The Unnecessary: learning that the nurse on the cover of Blink-182's Enema of the State CD is Janine Lindemulder, "one of Vivid Video's featured girls [who] deep-throated a 12-inch kielbasa for Howard Stern." Finally, The Truly, Truly Awful (as in, "Bad enough to make me travel to New York City to shove several rolled-up copies of this piece-of-shit magazine up Editor-in-chief Ed Needham's worthless white ass"): a side-bar of various infants-in-peril statistics with a subheader that reads, "When the Beaver was growing up, Mr. Cleaver's biggest parental worry was whether the poor kid was queer or just extra tidy. These days, there's a whole slew of new problems." I spend several minutes abasing myself before my better instincts, assuring them I will never ignore them again. They turn their attention back to Vivien Leigh and Hattie McDaniel, knowing I've lied to them before.
I turn to the interview proper, the first page of which is accompanied by a photo of another pose in the same scraps of lamé fabric as the cover. I note that while for the cover shot they took pains to airbrush out the panty liner Alyssa so obviously was wearing during the shoot to prevent camel toes, they chose not to do the same for the interior, um, spread. Oh, shut up. The nipples protruding through the lamé top have been left as originally photographed in both poses. The interview itself is entitled "Heat Treatment," and I notice that, rather than burdening Milano with FHM Senior Editor Tony Romando or another of his equally immature frat-boy colleagues on the masthead, the interview is conducted by magazine contributor Bridget Freer. For some reason, I'm not as frightened as I was when I first bought this piece of trash. Then I read the opening line. "'I do topless gardening!' exclaims Alyssa Milano. 'I do, I do that,' she reasserts, leaning forward." Freer tells us she has no problem believing this claim, as Milano "is practically giving a topless interview." Things start looking up, as Freer starts talking fashion. Milano "is wearing an eye-poppingly tight, black velvet bodice, on top of which her breasts are perched like two plump peaches on a shelf." Ah, the scary boob tray (tm jenni) from "Power Outage," though Freer is making it sound more like a scary boob platter. Freer explains that the interview is being conducted between takes on the set of Charmed, in Milano's trailer, "which she was allowed to decorate to her own taste when she joined the cast." Milano asserts her private space is known as "the frat-house trailer" (God, not like that. What is wrong with you people?), but Freer isn't buying that, noting "the chenille pillows, folksy throws and billowing incense sticks are more reminiscent of a fortune-teller's hideaway than a smelly student's bedroom." I hope that isn't her idea of a compliment. If it is, Alyssa needs to head to New York to kick Bridget's ass.
According to Freer, the conversation "soon turns" to a discussion of "America's strange relationship with nudity." Because America's strange relationship with nudity is what women automatically turn to as a conversation topic when left alone in closed quarters. Now you know, guys. Milano supposes she doesn't "have the issues" others have on the topic because she grew up in a household headed by "'60s parents" who were, by definition, "free and open" about nudity. Her mother often walked around in the nude, though her father was "always a little bit more, like, 'My God, I have a daughter now.'" This all makes me very happy I had Eisenhower parents who were, by definition, fully-clothed at all times. Freer uses this opportunity to segue into a bit of backstory on Milano's early career, noting that Milano's parents' "free and open ways did not extend to the world of showbiz." At the age of seven, Alyssa was shepherded to an audition for the national touring company of Annie by "a stage-struck babysitter." Of the fifteen thousand girls at the open audition, Alyssa was one of four cast, despite the objections of her parents. They relented when she locked herself in her room and "wouldn't eat." Since, out of the current crop of prime time starlets, eating disorders are Calista Flockhart's specialty, I'll let that one slide. After two years with Annie and a couple of years in various Broadway productions, Milano began an eight-year stint on Who's the Boss? at the age of twelve. Freer then goes on to highlight the major bits of Milano's pre-Charmed resume, including Commando (with Arnold Schwarzenegger, whom Milano found "intimidating"), and the Skinemax troika of Poison Ivy 2, Deadly Sins, and Embrace of the Vampire. Milano was also featured in Fear with Mark Wahlberg and Hugo Pool with Sean Penn, before joining the cast of Melrose Place briefly prior to signing on for Charmed. (After Aaron Spelling's initial choice for Phoebe, Lori Rom, left the project for "personal reasons.")
After all that backstory, and a short plug for the upcoming theatrical feature Buying the Cow, Freer begins the interview proper by asking Milano if she's ever had "a regular job." Milano notes she hasn't, and launches into an anecdote about attempting to make "a blended coffee drink" for herself on the set when the "coffee guy" didn't show up for work one day. She ended up breaking the blender, upon which she arrived at this epiphany: "I've never had a real job. I can't even make a coffee drink." Alyssa, sweetie, I've held a string of part- and full-time "real jobs" since I was fourteen years old, and I can't make a coffee drink. God created Starbucks for a reason. And Taster's Choice, for that matter. Anyway, Freer then asks if Milano thinks she's "missed out on normal life" because of her acting career. Milano doesn't think so, but reveals they dipped into her private life for plot fodder on Who's the Boss? "I started developing and wearing a little bra, and I couple of weeks later, I turned up for a table reading and the episode was called 'Sam's First Bra.'" I toss a sympathy glare in the direction of the production staff of Who's the Boss?, because I'm sure that had to have sucked. Then again, if they had an episode called "Sam's First Douche," I know I'd watch just for the ick factor. Milano also reveals she had to have Judith Light instruct her on the nuances of tampon insertion, as Milano began menstruating on-set. Milano's mother "was a little upset" about this last bit when told of it later. As I know nothing about mother/daughter bonding over one's first period, I'll leave that one alone, as well. ["I can understand Mrs. Milano's point of view, particularly since Judith Light is a drag queen." -- Sars]
Freer moves on to what we all really want to know: how much of a bitch is Shannen Doherty on the set, anyway? Milano allows her "stock answer" to such questions is that "if we didn't get along, you'd hear about it. I mean, if Shannen Doherty, Alyssa Milano, and Holly Marie Combs weren't getting along, that would be huge news." In the pages of The Star or The National Enquirer, maybe. Milano notes that she was wary of working with Doherty, given Doherty's reputation, but she tells Freer that said reputation has no basis in reality. "At first," Milano insists, "every day was a big slumber party" for the three women, but as their shared time on the series has progressed, Milano, Doherty, and Combs have been spending more and more time on their own between takes. Freer then makes an awkward transition, asking Milano if she has had any real-life "'dirty old man whose wife doesn't understand him' experiences" similar to those of Amy Fisher, whom Milano portrayed in one of the endless series of made-for-TV movies about the psychotic slut from Massapequa. Milano reveals, disappointing regular readers of FHM, that she has "no casting couch stories or weird sexual harassment issues," which she recognizes is "rare" in her line of work.
The next segments of the interview deal with three of her co-stars: Sean Penn, Ice-T, and Mark Wahlberg. Freer attempts to dig up the same sort of dirt on Penn she tried to get on Doherty, but Milano does not rise to the bait. Milano asserts she's "never met a sexier man" than Penn, and tells Freer that a month after filming on Hugo Pool ended, Penn approached her at some function or other. "'You were really good in our movie,'" Milano quotes him as saying. Her reaction? "That goes down as one of the greatest compliments I've ever gotten in my life. I shit my pants." Talk to Shannen about how to deal with that little problem, honey. On to Ice-T, with whom Milano appeared in Body Count. Ice-T had a habit of appearing on set with an "entourage" of about seventeen people. Milano notes they were "very sweet people. There were a lot of, like, cousins that he had on payroll." Just for walking around with him? Doesn't sound like such a bad job to me. Then the anecdote that makes me realize being part of a gangsta's entourage might not be that much fun. At one point, Ice-T had to sniper to the ground after being hit by a bullet in the leg. "He took it differently than I'd ever seen an actor take a bullet before," Milano tells us, "so I was like, 'Wow, that was a really cool choice.'" Ice-T leveled his gaze at Milano and stated, "'That is what happens when you get shot.'" Milano: "So I went, 'Oh! OK, so it wasn't really a choice! Nice work!'" Snicker. After a bit where she talks about "stalking" an ex-boyfriend for all of about four hours one evening with a friend of hers, she goes on to discuss Wahlberg. She notes he has "a physical presence" many other younger actors lack. "Most actors his age are weird and androgynous," a statement that makes me think immediately of Leonardo DiCraprio, "but there's something very primal about [Wahlberg]," Milano concludes.
There's a worthless and somewhat distasteful question about the workout video Milano appeared in some years ago (masturbation is hinted at), and then Freer moves on to the problems Milano endures as a result of over-enthusiastic fans. Responding to a question about "kinky fan mail," Milano reveals she has a deal with her security team: if they come across something they find troubling, they contact Milano's mother, who then makes the call to heighten the security around her daughter. "There have been a couple of situations when…the FBI got involved," Milano notes. "My mother called and said, 'There's going to be a security guard parked outside your house for the next couple of days. Go out and say hello.'" Milano then goes on to chat about her website, Safe Searching, and how it came to be. For those not familiar with the story, Milano's twelve-year-old brother typed her name into a search engine, only to wind up with a score of links to pornography sites. After a series of thirteen lawsuits related to misappropriation of her image -- twelve of which were settled out-of-court -- Milano was $250,000 richer, "a substantial lump of money that felt gross because it was porn money," Milano tells Freer. She decided to put that money to good use by creating "an entertainment-industry-driven search engine," something new at the time. It's a shame the site, in general, sucks.
Milano goes on to explain her improbable side career as a best-selling recording artist in Japan, where five of her albums have gone platinum, a career she has no plans to reproduce in the United States. "It would be another excuse for people to give me shit," she explains. This leads to a discussion about the Candies campaign in which she appeared, for which she did indeed receive shit from a variety of sources. The print ads were banned by Seventeen and Teen People magazines, but what was more distressing -- and to an extent reprehensible -- to Milano was the WB's attempt to distance itself from the campaign. "It was more to do with the condoms in the bathroom cabinet," Milano explains. "The WB was quoted as saying they didn't promote condom use, which is the most irresponsible thing. I think they were trying to say, 'We don't agree with premarital sex,' but that was offensive to me." I'm liking Alyssa Milano more and more as this interview goes on, and that absolutely terrifies me.
The final segment deals with Milano's much-ballyhooed liberal attitude towards nudity, her brief marriage, and her current relationship status. We are again told of her love for topless gardening, but reminded of the tight control she maintains over her image. "I have major clauses in my contract saying if I choose to do nudity, I have editing and angle approval or I won't do it." Which seems to be a pretty standard thing for an actress to do, but then again, what the hell do I know? Freer then asks of Milano's eleven-month marriage to Cinjun Tate of Remy Zero, neither of whom I'd heard of prior to this interview. Freer asks Milano if she "[misses] the rock-star life." Milano says that her ex-husband and his band mates in no way resembled "typical rock stars." "They took Dramamine on the tour bus," Milano tells us. "There was no partying or girls [sic]. I expected it to be much darker and seedier than it was."
In response to Freer's question about being single again, Milano announces she "[feels] a bit ridiculous like, 'Of course! The actress marries the rock star and it lasts 11 months!'" She whines about the situation being "cliché," and insists that the last thing her marriage was was a cliché. Whatever. The interview just sort of fizzles out from there, with Milano telling Freer she's not interested in pursuing relationships at this point in her life. Really, that's pretty much how it ends. Milano does, however, come out of her FHM experience in far better shape than Doherty did. Note to Shannen: next time you agree to appear in a lad rag, make sure the interviewer is a woman. You'll be glad you did.