Episode Report Card Erin: D | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Vegas, baby! VEGAS!
By Erin | Season 1 | Episode 14 | Aired on 2002.02.24
[Ring ring.]
J.J. Abrams: Abrams.
Quentin Tarantino: Hey Jayz! Whassup an' shit?
J.J. Abrams: Who is this?
Quentin Tarantino: Ha ha. "Who is this?" Ha ha. Thass really funny, dog!
J.J. Abrams: Seriously. Who is this?
Quentin Tarantino: It's me, Jayz! Q!
J.J. Abrams: The gadget guy from the Bond films? Wow! This is soooo cool! You're one of my favorite characters! Wait. Aren't you dead?
Quentin Tarantino: No. I mean, yeah, that Q guy is dead. It's me! Your buddy-bud. Quentin!
J.J. Abrams: Quentin? I don't think I know any Quentin...
Quentin Tarantino: Dude. It's Quentin Tarantino! I just guest-starred on your show.
J.J. Abrams: Oh. Right. Um, I'm kind of busy right now...can someone get me a cappuccino that ISN'T made with whole milk?!
Quentin Tarantino: Well, this won't take long, my man. I just wanted to know when to show up to the set. I can't wait to see what you're gonna have me do next, Jayz!
J.J. Abrams: Uh.
Quentin Tarantino: I loved all that gunplay and ass-kickin' and that Syd chick is SMOKIN'. Seriously. When should I show up?
J.J. Abrams: Uh. How about never?
Quentin Tarantino: Ha! Ha ha! You're killin' me with your wack humor, my man! Seriously. Tomorrow? I can show up tomorrow.
J.J. Abrams: I'm sure you can, Quentin. Unfortunately, we don't have a role for you. So, uh, you know, take care --
Quentin Tarantino: Jayz! Come on!
J.J. Abrams: Don't call me "Jayz."
Quentin Tarantino: How 'bout "Jayzee"?
J.J. Abrams: Don't call me that either. In fact, just don't call me. Ever.
Quentin Tarantino: Homeboy! What's with the shove? Bring on the fruity-tootie goodness that is McKenas Cole, my man! I'm ready!
J.J. Abrams: Okay, A) McKenas Cole is no more and B) stop with the ghetto-speak, you moron.
Quentin Tarantino: Come on! You know you dig it the most, baby.
J.J. Abrams: No, I don't. And, actually, it's one of the reasons your sorry video-store ass is NOT coming back on this show.
Quentin Tarantino: Now yer just playin', nig--
J.J. Abrams: DON'T.
Quentin Tarantino: What?
J.J. Abrams: Don't EVEN start with that word, Tarantino.
Quentin Tarantino: Oh, man, come on! You know, the more you say a word, the less power you give it --
J.J. Abrams: God. You're such a jackass. Look. I'm only going to tell you this once, so pay attention, okay?
Quentin Tarantino: I'm on it, my man.
J.J. Abrams: You are NEVER coming back on this show again. I don't like you, the writers don't like you, even the craft services people think you're a dink. So just retreat back to your Malibu Barbie beach house and LEAVE US ALONE.
Quentin Tarantino: Jayz!
J.J. Abrams: What did I say?
Quentin Tarantino: Sorry.
J.J. Abrams: I'm serious, man. And if you don't stop sending those McKenas Cole dolls over here, I'm gonna get a restraining order, I swear to GOD.
Quentin Tarantino: But dude! I thought we had a bond! We're like brothers, man! Come on! Just one more ep! I got one more ep in me!
J.J. Abrams: Like I care. Knock it off, Quentin, or I'll sic Samuel L. Jackson all over your ass. And believe me, I'm now in a position to do so.
Quentin Tarantino: But Sammy loves me!
J.J. Abrams: Uh, not since Jackie Brown, my friend. Deal.
Quentin Tarantino: But...Jayz -- erm, I mean, J.J. -- please? Pretty please? I'm losing it over here. I don't have anything to do!
J.J. Abrams: That is SO not my problem.
Quentin Tarantino: [starting to cry] No one will hire me, dude! I need you! Your show was the first work I've had in forever! Please? I'm begging you, dude! BEGGING.
J.J. Abrams: I'm hanging up now.
Quentin Tarantino: Jayz? JAYZ? Oh, nooooo... [sobbing] MOMMMMMEEEEE!