Episode Report Card Owen: C+ | 1 USERS: B+ YOU GRADE IT All Or Nothing
By Owen | Season 3 | Episode 10 | Aired on 08.12.2000
Cut to the dining room. It's empty except for Bunny, who seems to be visiting her own personal, private wet bar. Charlotte enters and asks for a moment. She looks stunning, by the way, in a blue diaphanous toga-like dress that ties at the waist. Charlotte tells Bunny that she hasn't signed the pre-nup because she has "a problem with how much [she's] worth." Bunny tells her that the document is "how it's always been done" in the MacDougal family. Carrie VOs that Charlotte realized at that moment that she'd have to play hardball. Suddenly Charlotte's spine grows three feet and she tells Bunny that if she called off the engagement now, Kyle would be upset, and there would be questions since the announcement had already run in The New York Times. Bunny grits her teeth and asks Charlotte what she wants. Charlotte: "I'm worth a million." And she truly is. And then some.
Then we see Charlotte racing up to the rest of the Foursome with the news that she received all of her demands and signed the pre-nup. She beams and announces that she's officially getting married. Kyle comes by to "sweep [his] bride away." Carrie VOs that the other three "realized that [they] didn't have it all. Because [they] didn't have Charlotte." Sniffle.
Cut to the sidewalk. Miranda, Samantha, and Carrie are loping forlornly home as Carrie VOs, "And then there were three." Samantha "can't believe" that Charlotte's going to marry Kyle. Miranda: "And for about a tenth of what she's worth." WORD. Carrie wonders what became of "pro-marriage" Samantha. Sam writes it all off to flu-induced delirium. Miranda admits that she feels "weird" without Charlotte around. Samantha: "That's such a Charlotte thing to say." The camera swoops up for a crane shot of the three ladies walking along Charlotte-less. Sob. I miss her already, too.
The next morning, CIM and Humpy are at Carrie's apartment, lounging about. CIM and Carrie are lying on their bellies on her bed, so we get a great shot of CIM's full, thick head of hair and the dark roots that Carrie probably paid some salon a fortune to get put into her pretty blonde tresses. The phone rings. It's Big. He's stalking her and needs to see her right NOW. He's downstairs. Carrie lies, about as well as Sue at a tribal council on Survivor, that it was Miranda on the phone and she needs to walk Humpy the dog right that minute.
We're outside Carrie's building, where Big is standing around in a garish green leaf-patterned shirt, chinos, and sandals. Carrie, wearing a translucent short-sleeved peasant blouse over a hot-pink bra, her seventh-grade gym shorts, and red mules, walks out the door with Humpy on a leash. But it's Big she commands to "Heel!" as she leads him away from her apartment building. Carrie, quite hypocritically, harshes on Big for wanting to sleep with her while keeping a significant other on the side. Big: "That's bullshit. I just want you. I can't sleep with two people at the same time. I'm going to tell her tonight." Carrie goes apoplectic because Big's decision will affect her relationship with CIM, who loves her. She tells him that he "can't just come back into [her] life and fuck it all up." Because Carrie has no free will or knowledge of the concept of personal responsibility, I guess. Big yells at her that "two people were doing the fucking." Carrie's actressy fit has caused her to wave her arms around and drop Humpy's leash. She realizes that he's run away, although I was surprised that she didn't look down and see Humpy romancing one of her bare legs. Carrie goes running after Humpy down the sidewalk in full sprint and those uncomfortable-looking red high heels, and suddenly we're watching an Easy Spirit pumps commercial. Big runs after her, but most of the ensuing footage is of SJP's cropped legs and then a long shot of SJP in full jiggle and stride up the sidewalk, and SJP suddenly has nothing on Tori Spelling and Jennifer Love Hewitt when it comes to vanity productions. Carrie stops, smacks her forehead and bellows, "Shit!" because she realizes she's lost Humpy. Big wants to stay and help her find the dog. She wails at him to go home.
Over at Miranda's place, she's in bed holding the phone in one hand while her other hand is under the covers. Josh is whispering salacious things to her, then leaves to answer his other line. When he comes back to Miranda, he starts telling her how hard he's "thrusting." Miranda gets upset because he was still working on figuratively touching her breasts and hadn't figuratively penetrated her yet. She realizes that he's a phone slut and was two-timing her with another caller or hell, even a whole party line. She hangs up on him and Carrie VOs that she also stopped being "hung up" on him. Damn, that was a dumb subplot.